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Precious Woman
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| Joined: | Sun Oct 21st, 2007 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 04:11 pm |
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Hello,
I am in a difficult situation and I am wondering if you will help me.
I have been doing some artists modelling for a small mixed group run by a woman. I am ok with it, there is no sexual activity involved the artists are very respectful and it helps me see myself as I am - beautiful, a woman with floppy, starting to age body, sadness in my eyes, amazing wild hair (can't see the whites in a drawing), bit too skinny in places but beautiful nevertheless. I have needed the money, having been a single parent to my 17 year old most of my adult years. I do it about once every six weeks though recently I have been offered more. For a couple of years I have been in a relationship with a man who may have Borderline personality disorder. It has become very estranged though we are still together but with boundaries at the moment because of his abuse and my wanting to work a program that deals with my sex & love addiction. That's another way my fantasy destroys me - I accept and stay in relationships with men who abuse me even though I have been working on this for 5-6 years I still do it or might I say I have done up until now. He is sad about me doing that work. I have said I will think about what he feels and look at it. I have spent some hours on the internet looking up life drawing, spoken to people and have prayed and surrendered to God. At the moment my partner is raging at me as he does everytime something happens in our relationship actually anytime something, anything happens in our relationship. Doesn't sound healthy does it. And what is worse I want to fix it to make him love me, right this minute. And see through all his abuse to the lost frightened lonely bewildered man he is. I want to hold his hand and say come on, where's your heart of course you are important to me and it's not that important to me and I will stop but the reality is he is an awful abusive man and hurts me continually and somehow I found this has as well as all the rest of reasons I listed above, is a way to hurt him. I just want to be honest, I want to get well and honesty is the only way I can break this. I am writing this as God's voice comes to me. Yes the more he hurts and reacts about it the more the sick part of me sunconsciously at the time sees that I have some power over him. And voila there's my addiction. Now I have to surrender my pain over to God and my hurt and hate, not fantasize about anything or anyone else, nor do any other sexual or chemical acting out and go through the pain of withdrawal but not away from him, no matter how abusive I may think he is, face my own abuse. My own pain.
Please have compassion for me in your replies, love is the only way I am going to break this sickness.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 05:26 pm |
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Hi Precious Woman,
I am speaking from a perspective of knowing little about art, and whether or not there is legitimate purpose to nude modeling that could be consistent with Scripture. My inclination would be to say that there is not, but, perhaps, an artist would speak to that.
You know that stopping the modeling will not make your relationship all rosey, and may not want to seem to acquiesce in response to his abusive manipulation. In my opinion, for what it is worth, stopping should be in response to conviction that it is not what God would have you do, not pressure from a man who is not a healthy influence in your life. Have you discussed it with your counsellor? Have you considered alternate means of employment that would meet your needs? Please keep in mind the principles that it is, ultimately, God who meets our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus, and that it is not how close we can get to the line of being in or out of God's will, but how close we can draw to Him.
TruthSeeker
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Paulos
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| Joined: | Fri Aug 24th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 10:31 pm |
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Precious Woman,
If you are, as you say in your words, "desperately needy for love adoration and a belief in someone other than myself to feel ok," I wonder whether posing nude for a roomful of artists is helping you break free from past destructive behaviors, or is in fact feeding them somewhere very near their core?
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