| Author | Post |
|---|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 19th, 2009 03:06 am |
|
Hi I'm new to the boards and was referred by a wonderful person who said I will get excellent advice and support here. I am in a horrible situation right now. My marriage is moving quickly toward divorce and I know one of the reasons is my husband's addiction to porn and possibly escorts. We have been married for 10 years and about 8 years ago I found pornographic photos of a woman in his brief case and a note to him. I asked him about it and he had some lame excuse which I let him off the hook for because I was stupid and in shock. Fast forward to November 2008 when we had a big argument which he initiated and escalated to the point where he told me he wasn't happy and didn't want to be married to me anymore. We had three counseling sessions and he called it quits. He said he was empty inside and that I always put him last. Devestated I tried to get him to work on the marriage and he wouldn't. He started going out more and wouldn't tell me what he was doing. He was taking out cash from our joint account for these nights out. I started getting suspicious and was able to find out from our computer that he was compulsively looking at porn while I was out of the house and was looking at escort sites too. I was devistated and started collecting evidence. I confronted him and he told me I was wrong about it. A few weeks later he admitted to me (after my intense prodding) that he can't control himself but wouldn't say how deep into things he is. I have forgiven him for his addiction knowing he is powerless over it and offered to stand by him while he works on his issues and I would work on mine (it takes two and I didn't just randomly end up with a man with his problems so I have my own work to do). I even offered separation to give him space and time to get help. He refused and still wants to divorce me.
Is there anyone on the boards who can explain where he is mentally? Are people active in their addiction thinking straight? Anyone understand his thinking? I would think he would have been happy that I have forgiven him and I am willing to stand by him and stand for our marriage but instead he is throwing everything away. I don't advocate divorce so this is extremely hard for me on many levels. I just don't understand why he is walking away? Now he says he is looking into help but wont tell me what kind. I am frustrated, sad, angry and so very dissappointed. I would love to understand his perspective a little better - why would you throw away a loving and committed spouse who has forgiven you, will support you in recovery and will take responsibility for her issues? I don't get it. Help 
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
john
Administrator
| Joined: | Fri Jan 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 174 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 19th, 2009 10:46 am |
|
I am so deeply saddened by your story. It never ceases to amaze me the depths to which sin will drag us down.
In response to some of your specific questions...
It would not be fair to your husband to attempt to diagnose his mental state without actually speaking with him. However, I can tell you that people who are actively engaged in an addiction are not thinking straight.
What I was thinking while deep in the throes of my own addiction to porn was how wretched of a human being I was. I had deep shame that screamed louder than any truth, even the truth of God's word. More importantly, it wasn't what I was thinking but what I was feeling. Addiction is driven by intense emotional deficit, not any sort of rational thinking. I probably would have rejected your forgiveness as well because it would only serve to deepen my shame and self-loathing. I would have felt deserving of your wrath and instead receiving forgiveness would remind me of the fact that I actually needed to be forgiven, something that my fragile ego could not afford.
Does any of this make sense? Not really!
It is important to know that forgiveness is primarily for you, not him. It is to keep your heart unencumbered so that you can follow God's promptings and not allow bitterness to spring up in you. How your husband responds to that forgiveness is his own responsibility.
The very best advice that I can give to you is seek your own health through wise boundaries and counsel. If your husband will not seek counseling with you, then go by yourself. You are worth the investment and your situation certainly warrants it.
Lastly, I can recommend another website to you that has a forum devoted solely to women in your position... it is http://www.partnersforpurity.com .
God bless you sister...
John
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 19th, 2009 09:16 pm |
|
| Thanks for your response John. I do think my husband feels empty and a lot of shame - called himself a monster and always says he is empyt and has nothing left. He doesn't want to be around anyone so he can't hurt them and they can't hurt him. I am so sad that he feels he has to leave our marriage. I'm not saying I condone the behavior, I just know that he can find recovery. I just wish I understood why he feels he has to leave. I would love to get more input. Thanks.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
john
Administrator
| Joined: | Fri Jan 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 174 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Mar 19th, 2009 09:20 pm |
|
Unfortunately, I cannot get inside of your husband's head and tell you what is going on there! If he is open, he can join the discussion on the forum here or on another forum, higher-calling.com, where he can begin talking about it.
How do you feel about getting help for yourself without your husband?
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Mar 20th, 2009 03:34 am |
|
ca
oh sis i feel your pain ,it hurts us women to know the one man we thought would love us forever and never hurt us has, it s betrayal and it rips at the heart
but!! goodness, you are not alone!! if you are a child of god, you are royal family
god is watching over you
if you've not accepted god as your personal savour threw Cesus Christ , Then tell him your sorry for all your sins
do this every day , breaking down our souls and humbling before god helps the soul, i took to a closet and bawled if a neighbored would have heard me they would have thought i was nuts
i also noticed i did not hide the tears from my husband , i let him see my hurt , i also let him see my love, it is his sickness he had it long before you, its not you and not your fault he is ill,
now say this prayer everyday , Lord god almighty
here i am , take charge over me take charge over my husband , take our hearts should and body , make us what you want us to be, let our minds think of only you today everywhere we go, let the word of god be ministered to my husband by a stranger wherever he may go ,
then print off copies of easy to read short stories of other men's addictions , how it hurt theirs wives , also if your go to an attorney , tell the attorney to be honest in everything you have to loose,
tell him other women want the same thing as you , a lot of men when they go threw theirs change is because they think it will be better with another woman , tell him you love him
make him dinner romance him but most of all don;t loose your cool or get angry this is satan
love love love it will when , find yourself in your daily task praising god , out come home to him and let him know you love him ,
sis we have a god who can split the red sea,
if you really love your husband and you should , he will come around, hang in there, don;t give up, put i know you cannot do nothing , you read the good book the bible it is your software and you find answers the secret is in the bible keep in touch sis ,
get pictures of good time you had together and place them around ,
i know this it Will take time but god knows how much you can take and what it Will take to turn your husband around , i would not sleep with him while he is running with others if that is the case, you could end up with a desease . we have to use our heads and protect ourselves , god wants a smart person , we are his temple we must protect it
tell your husband you are not controlling him but protecting him , thats what we women do , but men construe it to be control
and make sure he has responsibilities and your not doing everything, to much time on tier hands lets them get into trouble, when my husband left he didn't like the fact he had to pay bill and do laundry and so on , he started to realise his vacation wasn't a vacation , and want he wanted didn't want him ,
i let him know i loved him but i was not dating him and i would not sleep with im till he came home and said we would be a couple , we also attend every marrage meeting at church or wherever
i also make sure all porn is off tv so it does not urge him or tempt him, its hard for men because everything is thrown at them about sex ,
think of this if money was thrown at you could you say no, well this is what it is like for men
Last edited on Sat Mar 21st, 2009 12:13 am by
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Mar 20th, 2009 10:00 pm |
|
Hi everyone and thanks for the replies. John I agree that working on myself is important and I have been participating in the Divorce Care program which is a Christian based program to help people heal from the pain of divorce. I am also in my own 12 step and individual therapy so I am getting support which is so important. Despite these supports I have been behaving in a very codependant way and I am trying to stop that but it's not easy as I go through all of the emotions linked with my situation and learning about my husband's disease. I think I am just trying to understand SA and what people who struggle with the disease are going through. He is so secretive and always turns things around onto me. I can't get a straight answer out of him unless I really push. I just learned he is starting to go to a 12 step meeting - I think it's a recovery meeting. I hope he will go to some other meetings and get some individual treatment. I wish he would not pursue the divorce.
Kat I appreciate your post and the good advice. My husband and I have not enjoyed a regular physical relationship for a while due to his addiction and to our circumstances, but I agree that not being physical is important because he is not being honest with me about his activities. I have been very open with him about how I feel, that I love him and would stand by him if he wanted to work on things and work on himself. I am afraid that once the divorce is done he will be gone from my life forever. I believe God wanted us together to make us better people. I didn't expect this challenge, but no one is perfect and if someone is willing to get help (maybe he is now) you can work with that. I have been trying to turn this over to God and hope I can follow his plan. I just can't believe divorce is part of it.
I'd love more advice if anyone has some.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
john
Administrator
| Joined: | Fri Jan 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 174 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Mar 20th, 2009 11:23 pm |
|
I am very glad to learn that you are getting the support you need. It is also good to learn that your husband may be going to a 12-step program of some sort. Hopefully that will begin to enter his heart and bring some healing into his life as well.
I don't have a lot of advice, but appreciate your sharing your story with us and allowing us to walk with you. I trust that God will lead you as you press into him and seek his wisdom for your situation.
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Mar 21st, 2009 12:25 am |
|
CaliD wrote: Hi everyone and thanks for the replies. John I agree that working on myself is important and I have been participating in the Divorce Care program which is a Christian based program to help people heal from the pain of divorce. I am also in my own 12 step and individual therapy so I am getting support which is so important. Despite these supports I have been behaving in a very codependant way and I am trying to stop that but it's not easy as I go through all of the emotions linked with my situation and learning about my husband's disease. I think I am just trying to understand SA and what people who struggle with the disease are going through. He is so secretive and always turns things around onto me. I can't get a straight answer out of him unless I really push. I just learned he is starting to go to a 12 step meeting - I think it's a recovery meeting. I hope he will go to some other meetings and get some individual treatment. I wish he would not pursue the divorce.
Kat I appreciate your post and the good advice. My husband and I have not enjoyed a regular physical relationship for a while due to his addiction and to our circumstances, but I agree that not being physical is important because he is not being honest with me about his activities. I have been very open with him about how I feel, that I love him and would stand by him if he wanted to work on things and work on himself. I am afraid that once the divorce is done he will be gone from my life forever. I believe God wanted us together to make us better people. I didn't expect this challenge, but no one is perfect and if someone is willing to get help (maybe he is now) you can work with that. I have been trying to turn this over to God and hope I can follow his plan. I just can't believe divorce is part of it.
I'd love more advice if anyone has some. HI CA THANKS BUT ITS NOT ME BUT GOD I TRY TO ANSWER PEOPLE BY WHAT I LEARNED , JUST FACTS , ON WHAT I DID , BUT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT , YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KNOWS , AND GOD WILL SHOW YOU, I DO KNOW THIS , IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SO BEING SAID, YOU ARE FREE , YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, AND GOD DOES NOT LIKE DEVORCE SO LOOK AT HIS PAIN AS IF YOU MEANT YOUR HUSBAND SOMEWHERE AND HE TOLD YOU THIS PROBLEM AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU MEANT HIM , WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR THIS MAN IF HE HADN'T BEEN YOUR HUSBAND, WE ARE SUPOSED TO LOVE EVERYONE, AND I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM HARD BUT IT COULD BE EASIER , MY HUSBAND DIDN'T KNOW HOW I FELT TILL HE FOUND OUT HIS ADDICTION WAS AN ILLNESS , HE THOGUTH I WAS TRYIGN TO CONTROL HIM , WHEN I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HIM, BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE SOMEONE ELSES LIVES OR KEEP THEM FROM SIN, THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIIBILTY US WOMEN HAVE A TENDANCY TO MOTHER EVERYTHING , SO DO NOT MOTHER HIM, TREAT HIM AS IF YOU ARE DATING, ALWAYS BEING KIND , DO NOT CONDEM HTAT IS GODS JOB , AND SAVE SOME OF THE ADVICE YOU READ THAT SOUNDS GOOD SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO IT, WHEN YOUR HURTING IT SOMETIMES HELPS TO LEAF BACK YOU CAN WIN THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD CLAIM IT AND BELEIVE IT , IF YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND BACK MAKE YOURSELF GOURGOUS , I KNOW SOME MAY FEEL YOU SHOULDN;T HAVE TO BE A LOOKER , BUT IT WILL HELP YOU FOR YOUR OWNSELF ESTEEM, LOVE YOU SIS AND GOD BE WITH YOU A PRAYER FOR YOU FROM ME, GOD YOU SAID IT , I BELEIVE IT!!! ! THAT SETTLES IT1!
Last edited on Sat Mar 21st, 2009 12:29 am by
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Mar 21st, 2009 12:47 pm |
|
| Thanks Cat I am trying to get through this. I don't want a divorce but my husband wants out of our marriage. He takes a little responsibility, but not much saying the divorce is because of me not putting him first. It's rough and so is knowing he has this disease.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
john
Administrator
| Joined: | Fri Jan 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 174 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Mar 21st, 2009 01:14 pm |
|
| A brother of mine in recovery went through a legal separation from his wife. They were apart for nearly two years, but not divorced. They are now back together and doing better than ever. I can tell you that this "valley experience" for him was invaluable. Perhaps something of this sort would be a step you could take short of divorce.
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Mar 21st, 2009 03:00 pm |
|
| Hi John thanks for the post. I asked him about having a legal separation, but he doesn't want it. He says he doesn't want to string me along. We just had a huge blow up this morning (me actually). It started with me asking him when he was moving out (he told me in an email that he was moving out mid April) and I asked him to reconsider. So he told me again he is moving out in mid April. He doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. He said that according to his group that he can't control how I feel (true), that he's not 100% to blame for our marital problems that I had part of it too (true). He said he has a lot of stuff to work on and that we both contributed to the problems. The thing that enrages me (and it does) that I lost my voice throughout our marriage (he's also verbally abusive which I suspect has something to do with the addiction) and bent over backwards to please him or stay out of his way and he can't see any of that or understand any of that. He just offers questions for my questions, unfeeling, detached I'm sorrys usually linked to I'm sorry you feel that way but I have no control over how you feel. I then feel like he isn't taking responsibility but putting it back on me. I lost my voice in this marriage long ago and I have to accept I may never get what I need from him. I did get my prayers answered in that he is seeking help. Now I have to help myself. I just wish I didn't buy into his explanations that I am really the one who is messed up and doing caused the problems in our marriage. I feel like he doesn't respect me or appreciate me and I know the respect portion is my fault. Maybe this post is outside the scope of this forum.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
john
Administrator
| Joined: | Fri Jan 13th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 174 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 01:25 am |
|
The depth of your post probably is best dealt with in a more intimate setting with someone who can walk more closely with you through the situation. But, we are here for you!
Remember that your husband's shame is ruling his mind. We cannot walk in shame and in the Spirit at the same time. Relationally, all that shame can do is trigger shame in others. That is what it sounds like your husband has been doing with you, triggering your own shame. Your shame tells you that you don't measure up, you are to blame, you are at fault, you are broken and cannot be fixed.
The truth of the matter is that you are a new creation in Christ. He lifts our shame from our shoulders and carried it upon his, all the way to the cross where it was crucified with him!
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 02:47 am |
|
| Thanks John. You're right, I am feeling ashamed, ashamed that our marriage is moving toward divorce. I will keep praying and thanks for being here.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 03:24 am |
|
Last edited on Mon Mar 23rd, 2009 03:48 pm by
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 03:48 am |
|
HI Kat thanks for your post. The unfortunate thing is I do have an attorney. I do have a divorce petition and decree which he has seen. He is planning to move out on April 18th into a friends home. I have a renter moving in on May 1. Things are moving forward. I am not happy, but he wants to be divorced. How can I force him to stay with me? I can try to not be so controlling and be nice, take care of myself and all of this. I can pray. I feel like this divorce is wrong, but I can't stop it. I really must surrender to God and let him work in my husband. Time is running out and I don't know what to do.
I guess I am on these boards looking for hope and knowledge about SA. I don't know what else I can do. Thanks.
Last edited on Sun Mar 22nd, 2009 03:49 am by CaliD
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 23rd, 2009 03:35 pm |
|
ca i see you like horses, too i have a barn full, i started a horse borading businees where i was able to generate 800 more a month , maybe you could get some broaders, i think once your husband is out he wil come back ,but i would make it ont he terms your going ot go to church , and he must work on your problem together
i would go see an attoreny to protet yuor assets , i mean you gave in the marage too and half is yours , as a christian woman i do n ot beleive god wants us unknowledged about what we can do, i feel for you , but hang in there love ys kat
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 23rd, 2009 03:47 pm |
|
ca i was wondering , is the renter male or female , this can make harm in your relationship and remember only talk Christan's , i wouldn't want you owing more after renters , i have had many room mates and have never found it to benefit me,
also if your husband does decide to come back , it may take longer because of the renter, and by law if you just have someone stay for awile , it is easier to get hem out if they do not pay , for instance have them pay cash, and let them be a house guest not a renter, we had a renter here once and she starter many bad habits to where it was in the way of christian hood, and we found out if she had been a house guest paying rent and laid out that way we could have got her out sooner , if your call them renters they can stay up to six months
i just want you to be cautous for you are very tilted right now with your pain , i am praying for you sis
|
CaliD
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 15th, 2009 |
| Location: | Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 23rd, 2009 07:48 pm |
|
Hi Kat, thanks for the advice. I do need to have someone help me reduce costs and that is why I am taking in someone to rent (stay) in one of my bedrooms. The person seems very nice and the money will help me to keep the house. Without this person I would only have about $30 left over per month until my car is paid off in July. That won't allow me to save or do anything.
Kat I am so thankful for your faith in my marriage. I am hoping things will be resolved but I have to let God do His work.
As for the horses, I love them and don't have one, the one in the photo is one of my lesson horses. Unfortunately I will have to cut back on lessons if not cut them out completely after my husband moves out. I won't be able to afford it even with a "renter". Thanks for your support and encouragement.
____________________
"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Oscar Wilde
|
katcarving
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 24th, 2009 01:35 pm |
|
ca, i would ask the stable where you take lessons and keep that part of your life it is healthy to keep yourhobbies,
i run a stables and any help i get i aprrecaite, i always help those in need so you could explain and see if you couldn't maybe excercsie horses or clean stalls or anything,
i would be sure you get a contract for the renter it sounds like finaces are close and god doesn't want us to be bad stewards for his finaces .
just trying to protect your interest , at this time in your life you do not need any more drama
|
drkkr76
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jul 10th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 4 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Jul 18th, 2009 01:20 pm |
|
I think it is your benevolence that you are still trying to save your marrige. Very good. Well done. Thanks for believing in the sanctity of marriage. Thats the first stance you have taken.
Next step is to seek help for yourselves!
As john said, you need counselling and help.
Then you can work on what you can do to save your marriage.
Your husband needs help to control his impulsive behaviour.
But has he understood that he has an addiction?
|
Current time is 11:58 pm | Page: 1 2   |
|
|
|
RSS