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JLV
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Posted: Wed Aug 26th, 2009 08:09 pm |
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I need some advice from other husbands who may know how my husband is feeling.
Two years ago, my husband had an affair. He ended it and we worked hard to rebuild our marriage for a year and a half. He was so wonderful to me.....caring for my heart, answering questions, calming my fears and insecurities. He was so repentant and worked so hard to rebuild trust. We had rebuilt a lot but were still working.
At the beginning of this year, my husband started a new job. Ever since then, things have fallen apart. The hours were horrendous so we had no time together. He was coming home so late sometimes that the triggers of the affair were too much for me to handle. He tried so hard to calm my fears but the situation was just too much for us to handle after what we had been through. When he felt like he wasn't able to reassure me, he finally just gave up because he was so overwhelmed. That sent me into a tailspin because he had always been so attentive to the rebuilding of our marriage so when he pulled away, it just created more fears in me, which caused him to become more distant.....vicious cycle.
On top of that, then he started hiding things which he thought might cause me to worry to avoid further issues. That just created more trust issues. Now he tells me that he knows my trust issues and fears are valid and his fault, but he's so overwhelmed with trying to build trust that he just can't do it right now.
I think he feels like a failure. I think he's so angry with himself for taking a new job that wrecked everything and for making some mistakes that have made things worse. I know he loves me and cares deep down.....I've seen him break down a few times even over the mess we are in and pain he's caused. I think he's so angry that he worked so hard to rebuild our marriage and now has to start over.
For a few months, I tried to give him an emotional break but because the trust building ceased, I am constantly battling what might really be going on. I've been in a panic so many times. I've really had to lean on God for my security and to feel loved. I am finally at a place where I'm really trying to not go to my husband for my emotional needs. He can't handle it and I never feel better anyway. If he really just needs an emotional break, I need to give it to him. But he has also started doing things like wanting to go out with friends a lot after work and have drinks and things that I don't feel are building trust. It's like he has a whole new life.....he's a person he's never been. He's always loved spending time with our family more than anything.
I know there's a chance that something is going on.....like another affair. But I would like to hear responses assuming that he's not.....assuming that he reallly is just overwhelmed.
How do I help him not be overwhelmed? I'm trying to not ask him to meet my needs....fears, etc. But I feel so stripped as a wife......I feel lonely, unloved, undesirable, we have no time together.....It's just so hard to completely give up all my needs. Any advice from anyone who might understand his heart or feelings?
I remember after his affair when we used to talk about things that had happened during it, he admitted that during the affair, he couldn't stand the pain he was causing me. It was so painful for him to think of me hurting so he just shut off his heart to me so he didn't have to think about it. I think there might be a similar dynamic going on now....not sure.
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bil4913
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Posted: Wed Sep 2nd, 2009 10:04 pm |
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2 thoughts.
1) is your husband in relationships with other men where there can be accountability, venting, and support? You cannot be all that for him.
2) an affair is devastating and its impact lasts for years. You guys need help - I'd strongly recommend professional marital counseling - it saved my marriage.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 11:52 am |
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A couple of thoughts......from someone who only recently learned her husband is a porn addict. While my husband swears he never had a physical affair, I find that hard to believe. So, we share some of the same insecurities.
1. He has to get his priorities in life straightened out. His first relationship priority should be the Lord. Second, you, third the children, fourth, his job.
2. He needs to understand that women spell "LOVE," T-I-M-E, T-A-L-K, E-M-O-T-E. If he is distancing himself from you and the kids, that is a clear sign that something is wrong. Find a good Christian counselor. Failing that, order "Marriage on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans. It is available in book form or on CD's. I ordered it several years ago, before I knew my husband was a porn addict, and it helped for a time. Jimmy Evans is able to strip away all of the male defenses and explain our needs in a manner that our husbands can understand. No, I don't get a cut, this was just very helpful to me/us. http://www.marriagetoday.org
3. Consider joining and attending s-anon meetings. http://www.sanon.org. S-Anon is a program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone elses sexual behavior. I've only been to two meetings, but I already see how this group is going to help me overcome my co-dependence on my porn addict spouse. It is helping me to understand that many of the traits I see in myself as "strength" are really evidence of illness. It has already helped me to see that I have inadvertently placed my husband above the Lord. I understand that now and I'm working to rectify the situation so that I can feel peace and serenity in any situation.
Praying for you........
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue Sep 15th, 2009 01:07 pm |
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I reread your post, and I see many, many parallels to my husband. At the root, I think there is an intimacy disorder here. My husband closed his heart to me for years. Even when I confronted him about the porn and begged him to engage in conversation with me about it and other things, he said something like "I need to work on my conversation skills." I said, "NO, you need to open your heart to me." I think it is very significant that you say your husband has closed his heart to you---VERY SIGNIFICANT. He has to truly open his heart to the Lord and to you for there to be any lasting change. I'm afraid you might be in the first cycle of a cycle that has repeated itself many times in my marriage and I hope I can save you the cyclic pain. My husband repeatedly made behavioral changes, but they NEVER lasted because they were just that--behavioral changes. He/we never recognized the root issue. He would always revert to old habits because he had not dealt with the root issue. The root issue here is an intimacy disorder. I would urge you and your husband to strike at the root so this cycle does not repeat itself time and time again.
And I definitely do not think you should resign yourself to living in a marriage where your needs are not being met. Unmet needs are the Devil's playground. We all have a breaking point and the Devil will use this against you. Don't allow it. Your husband may simply be overwhelmed, and that often triggers a relapse, but if you are partners in marriage and life, he should be allowing you to help him meet the challenges of the new job. Shutting you out is not the answer.
Praying, never ceasing for all women who have been impacted by porn and adultery......
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Hisheart
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Posted: Wed Jul 20th, 2011 08:38 pm |
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Devastated Wife wrote: At the roo I reread your post, and I see many, many parallels to my husband. t, I think there is an intimacy disorder here. My husband closed his heart to me for years. Even when I confronted him about the porn and begged him to engage in conversation with me about it and other things, he said something like "I need to work on my conversation skills." I said, "NO, you need to open your heart to me." I think it is very significant that you say your husband has closed his heart to you---VERY SIGNIFICANT. He has to truly open his heart to the Lord and to you for there to be any lasting change. I'm afraid you might be in the first cycle of a cycle that has repeated itself many times in my marriage and I hope I can save you the cyclic pain. My husband repeatedly made behavioral changes, but they NEVER lasted because they were just that--behavioral changes. He/we never recognized the root issue. He would always revert to old habits because he had not dealt with the root issue. The root issue here is an intimacy disorder. I would urge you and your husband to strike at the root so this cycle does not repeat itself time and time again.
And I definitely do not think you should resign yourself to living in a marriage where your needs are not being met. Unmet needs are the Devil's playground. We all have a breaking point and the Devil will use this against you. Don't allow it. Your husband may simply be overwhelmed, and that often triggers a relapse, but if you are partners in marriage and life, he should be allowing you to help him meet the challenges of the new job. Shutting you out is not the answer.
Praying, never ceasing for all women who have been impacted by porn and adultery......
I think that the intimacy disorder is the srux of my husband's issues as well. How does one go about healing an intimacy disorder?
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Jul 20th, 2011 10:16 pm |
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Dear HisHeart,
I wish I knew how to heal an intimacy disorder. I've repeatedly asked the therapist and explained this concept to our marital therapist, and she never has any good answers or suggestions.
I perceive the intimacy disorder as a form of organic blindness and I analogize to physical blindness. I've said the following to the therapist: "Asking him to emote with me is like asking a blind person to describe the color red." I don't know how else to explain this, other than to say that the part of his brain that is responsible for emotion is dead, withered/atrophied, never existed, or that it is shut down. I think it is dead/atrophied/not there. When a child loses sight early in life, the optical centers of the brain never develop. It is my understanding that even if function is later restored to the eyes, they cannot "see" because the portion of the brain that is responsible for processing visual stimulii is just not there. I think that is what happens with sex addicts who shut down emotionally early in life. The portion of the brain that is responsible for emotion just isn't there.
I can tell you that I believe my "husband" has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. Even IF you assume that by some miracle he could access his emotions, there are not enough days left in my life to allow him time to mature into rational adulthood. He will never be my emotional partner in life. Never. He's simply not capable.
I printed this article: http://www.drjanicecaudill.com/intimacy-anorexia.html
And I've highlighted it. I plan to review it with the marital therapist tomorrow night. she's not very bright, doesn't understand that I need real, concrete, earthly suggestions and methods for healing, but I'll let you know if she has any insight worth sharing. I doubt it.....but hope springs eternal.
My best, DW
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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