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trying to understand
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 01:35 pm |
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HI all,
Yet, I am still new to this web site. My husband and I have been seeking councelling for our marriage, and his porn addiction. There was a major breakthrough, and he finally admitted to me that he was masturbating. My doctor said that a lot of this is relationship oriented because we have had a relationship full of resentment, and anger. We are finally getting along, and no longer fight. It was two weeks since we made love, and he finally approached me last night. I was so happy with the progress that we have made. There is a book that we are starting to read, and we go over with our doctor called the seven principles of marriage, and it teaches so far that there is a difference between criticism and complaints. I am totally guilty of the criticism, and turned them into complaints. I came from a family that was very judgemental and fought all of the time.. We called each other bad names, and flew off the handle. Thus I brought this into our relationship. I am learning that there are certian boundaries, and we don't always have to agree. I have let go of my resentment and disgust with my husband, and we are trying to start a new life together. One that we won't be scared to talk to the other person, and emotionally connect. The doctor is bringing out feelings in my husband, that he keeps inside for some reason (prob his childhood too).. The big point is this article that I read on this site about forgiveness. It is important to forgive. If Jesus can forgive the very people that tortured and killed him, why can I. To have anger,resentment, and hatred in a marriage, does not solve anything, only makes it worse. I do not care anymore who is worng in a fight, just the resolution. Blaming is another thing that I used to do, and this does not work either. along with the addiction to porn, there are a lot of unresolved issued, and the marriage has to heal too. just being trughful and honest, and not putting a wall in the middle helps a lot. I still do not understand why he would rather watch porn and masturbate, but I forgive him, and he is working on it. I just hope someday, that we won't have to deal with this, and focus on each other. One other thing I wanted to mention is that our doctor said that sex is not the only way to be intimate, she wanted us to try massage. Massage each others back, and be intimate on that level. i like this because it is spending time together, and very relaxing. She also told my husband that he has to retrain the way he thinks about sex. So i will keep you all updated on how things go. I'm sure there will be pitfalls, but with prayer, I am trying.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 02:05 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
PRAISE GOD for progress!
I am concerned that your therapist is saying a lot of this is relationship oriented. If I recall correctly, your husband brought this to the marriage. If that is the case, please, please, please do not accept any blame for this. You didn't drive him to it. This isn't relationship oriented. None of us are perfect. Our imperfection does not give our husbands license to masturbate to porn. There is no excuse. Stated 180 degrees: Do his imperfections give you license to run around? Of course not. I'm so happy for your break through, and the progress you feel, but I'm worried too.
Praying for you, my dear sister in Christ. Stand strong!
My best, Devastated Wife
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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trying to understand
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 03:02 pm |
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Hey you!
Well he didn't say it was all to do with the relationship, but our fighting definitely put a wedge in between us. We are getting along a lot better, and I do know that it is not my fault. He has a problem that has nothing to do with me, but when the marriage was in such chaos, it made it a lot easier for him to just do that. I will not accept him doing it again, but if he has a fall, I just hope that he will be honest with me and feel bad. So we'll see what happens, just taking things one day at a time. how are things with you?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 05:06 pm |
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Hi trying to understand,
I rejoice with you in both your husband's progress, and the progress in your overall marriage relationship. While SA is its own issue, working concurrently on any other difficulties will strengthen your marriage. I have to watch my own tendency to be critical, but it is so important for our husbands to feel emotionally safe with us, especially when they are trying to overcome temptation and sin. Self-reflection and change are tough work, and I applaud the steps you are taking.
TruthSeeker
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trying to understand
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Posted: Thu Oct 29th, 2009 02:06 pm |
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| It is actually starting to get easier, with me making the changes that I needed to make. I was completely overcritical, and judgemental of everyone. It was hard to change at first, because that is the way i grew up. However, trying to understand the why's help me out a lot. He obviously isn't trying to do this on purpose, because of the effort that he is puttting into our relationship. I think it is important to heal together, and give each other more understanding. It still is hard not to think that he is still doing the Porn, but I just go to him and ask when it starts to build up. As long as he can be honest, I don't see the mistrust or resentment coming back. I love the articles that are on this site, and are helping me cope. Misinformation, and not being informed, I think, are the root of every evil. Why not try to understand, we are all human and make mistakes. I just hope I can hang in there and continue to try to be more like Jesus. That is what I am striving for.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Thu Oct 29th, 2009 05:31 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
Things are much better for us and with God's help, getting better every day. He's talking to me more, sharing his stresses, feelings much more than he ever has. I know this is something that he will fight for the rest of his life, but he is fighting the urges now, and I am trying to be understanding and supportive.
I am finding that his emotional development stopped at about the time he was introduced to porn. I am shocked by how fragile he really is. This really was a coping mechanism for him, and now that it's gone, he is working to find new coping mechanisms, hopefully healthy coping mechanisms now. He doesn't seem to value talking or sharing as a coping mechanism. That gives him little or no incentive to continue talking to me. We'll see how this progresses.
My best to you, DW
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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