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lonely1
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 12:41 am |
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| Just spoke to someone who's gone through this for over 30 years and no recovery...is full recovery possible?...I'm so nervous and just scared I guess.
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 01:28 am |
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Here's an answer I wrote to that question on another forum:
Would "Yes, but . . ." be an answer?
Yes, people get sober from this and from all sorts of other addictions. I know people with many years of continuous sobriety.
If you haven't read the AA Big Book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," you might want to do so. It's written in a somewhat quaint 1930s American style, but it's an enormously wise book by a whole group of people who have been there and come out the other side. The Big Book doesn't talk about counting days and about struggling against temptation a day at a time. It talks about the desire to drink being lifted, and about recoiling from alcohol as from a hot stove. It talks about reaching a point where we rarely think about drinking, and where we easily set it aside.
Reading the Big Book was a turning point in my life. It was a radically different view of addiction from anything I had heard before. It was also radically different from the way I thought AA worked. And yet here were a group of people talking about not just staying sober, but becoming happy, joyous and free. To me, it seemed the greatest hope one human being could offer another. And taking up that program has changed and is changing my life, a day at a time.
So yes, freedom and serenity are possible. I believe that with all my heart.
The Big Book is also clear, however, that what we have is an incurable disease. We are not offered permanent healing. We are offered, the book says, a daily reprieve contingent on maintaining a fit spiritual program. As long as we stay mindful and keep working the program, we can stay truly recovered. But if we get casual and stop doing all the things that have brought us to new life, then our old ways easily reassert themselves, the serenity disappears, the isolation and struggle resume, and eventually we act out again in our addiction.
That's a scary message, and the history of AA is full of scary examples. Ebby T., the man who sobered up Bill W. and started in motion the process that led to the formation of the fellowship, spent a lifetime marked by years of sobriety followed again by years of relapse. I've mentioned here before a friend of a friend in AA who went back to drinking after 45 years of sobriety.
But is all this surprising? We're not offered permanent salvation independent of what we do in the future. (At least, not in this business.) We can find real health, but we have to work to stay healthy.
The analogue I often use is that of recovery from chronic physical ailments. I have trouble with my heart. As a result of that, I have to do a bunch of things, day after day - eat well, exercise, manage stress, take some meds, you know the drill. As long as I do those things day by day, I can be healthier and happier than I would have been had disease not forced me to live this way. That new health can be with me all my life. But I can also stop doing those things; and if I do that, then the disease is still there waiting to kill me.
I think that's exactly how addiction works. That's why my answer at the top was, "Yes, but . . ." Yes, we can find real freedom, but we find it a day at a time.
Others have different understandings of addiction, but this is one that makes sense to me emotionally and intellectually, and one that accords with my experience and with that of lots of other folks, addicts and therapists alike. No doubt you'll hear other opinions, though. Take from all of us what makes sense to you.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 01:56 am |
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Hi lonely1,
Yes, but it is hard work, involving your husband's dedication, accountability, etc., but also your support and forgiveness. There has been a deep wound to your marriage, so keep in mind that even with the best counsel and effort on both your parts, there will be a scar. If you are hoping that something amazing will happen and things will be like nothing ever happened, in my opinion that is not realistic. If, however, you are anticipating a properly healed wound, not one with infection lurking just beneath the surface or just covered by a scab that opens at the least provocation, yes, that is possible with God's help. It can be possible to come through with a stronger, deeper intimacy than you have ever had. I hope and pray that it proves so for you and your husband.
TruthSeeker
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 12:06 pm |
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My husband has been sober for about four months now. During the first month or two, he was still under the influence. It is my understanding that the porn addict is a mess neurochemically. It takes time for that to resolve. Clear headed thinking still eludes him at times, but I do see progress and some remarkable, positive changes in him.
As long as we choose to remain in our marriages, we will forever more be married to addicts, perhaps a recovering addict, but an addict nonetheless. Tim M. sums it up beautifully.
This really is a time for reflection and self-examination. We have to make certain the Lord is the Lord of our lives, not our husbands. I also think we need to learn to take care of ourselves. I realize that I have been last on my to-do list for a long time. There are a lot of adjustments going on in my family right now. This addiction did not take root and blossom in a week or two. It took months, years, decades. I certainly wanted a quick fix, but I realize that is unreasonable. It is going to take a lot of time and effort to restore a normal family balance. He has to work his program, and you will need to work your program.
I will be praying for you and your family. May you find peace and serenity.
My best, DW
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Lost2009
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 06:28 pm |
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Thank you all so much for your words of hope, support and encouragement...I've been looking at different posts throughout the past week before deciding to post and can honestly say that you three were the ones that I was hoping would respond with some type of information as I've seen how much knowledge and understanding you have in this.
I am waiting to hear back from a S-Anon counselor in my area and hope to get started on that myself. My H & I come from very dysfunctional families and have both been victims of childhood sexual abuse and when I was going through my healing on that a few years ago he was very supportive. I just wish he would have opened up and told me about his struggles and his abuse so that perhaps I could have helped him also.
We have started couples counseling through our church pastor this week, H will be attending his first SA meeting this Saturday, we are also doing Recovering Couples meetings, I will be starting S-anon and H has contacted a Psychologist to deal with the childhod abuse issues...so we have A LOT happening all at once. I have also arranged for our 7 year old to receive counseling as he & I were both the subject of verbal and mental abuse from H for a long time.
Thank you all for the support and prayers, Lost2009 & I appreciate it!
BTW, I just realized I posted this as H...well, nonetheless thank you all!
Lonely1
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 06:40 pm |
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Hi Lonely1,
If you have not already found this site, it has a lot of good information, especially about the roots of addiction.
http://www.pureintimacy.org
TruthSeeker
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Lost2009
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 11:43 pm |
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Thank you again, I am going to look at this now 
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Current time is 11:23 am | |
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