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Devastated Wife
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Pittsburgh |
| Posts: | 553 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 13th, 2009 04:33 pm |
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Well, we attended our last therapy session with one of our therapists last night. We might check in every now and then with him, but in his estimation, we no longer need his services. For those of you out there struggling to find hope, please know that if both partners to the marriage are dedicated to saving the marriage and to healing, healing is possible. I am not suggesting that we are healed, but that we are well on the road to recovery and that we are committed to making this work.
Things that I believe contributed to our success:
1. When I found the porn, I kept my wits about me, planned, executed, and GAVE EVIL NO QUARTER. I was direct, unequivocal, unapologetically unwavering in my demand for him to stop viewing porn immediately. You're done. Period. End of statement. I had control of the assets, so he had no choice but to enter therapy and give up his addiction.
2. I absolutely did not allow him to place any of the blame on me. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. Mike Genung's writing helped me with that. "I hereby unequivocally refuse delivery of any portion of the blame for your addiction." If you are unsure, practice it until you mean it and deliver if with force. If you know something about what he has been doing or viewing, confont him with specificity. The futility/stupidity of trying to blame you will be evident even to the addict if you confront him with specificity. Example: "You are blaming me for the fact there are pictures of girls our daughters age, tied up with rope, professing to "want it" on your computer? HOW DARE YOU!" For me, it shut down the blame game immediately.
3. We sought therapy individually before engaging in couples therapy. I think this gave us time to deal individually with the shell shock.
4. We started in couples therapy when we could be semi-civil; approximately 2 months after the discovery. When we started meeting jointly with his therapist, I forced him into SA and I started attending S-anon. He was resisting, but I made it a condition of him staying in the house. "Enroll in SA or get out." Practice it and deliver it with force. Mean it when you say it. Deliver it with a list of apartments for rent.
5. We've been attending couples therapy twice a week and SA/S-anon once a week for about two months and we will continue couples therapy once a week and SA/S-anon once a week for the foreseeable future.
6. I still have control of the assets and will not relinquish control for some as yet undetermined period of time. Four months of sobriety is not long. It is an accomplishment, but I am not kidding myself about the possibility of a relapse or the need to continue therapy and the need to continue SA/s-anon meetings. This is a lifelong addiction and we must work to stay healthy.
Ladies, Please do not be afraid to be tough as nails in the face of this evil. I mean tough as nails. Know that you will be staring down the Devil. We are not dealing with flesh and blood, but against principalities. Put on the whole armor of God. Read Ephesians before you confront him. The tougher you are, the sooner your husbands will be forced to get help and the sooner you will find peace and serenity.
May God bless and touch all of those who are dealing with this and may His healing and supportive hand be upon all of you.
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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lkg4hlp
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| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 10:43 pm |
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Praise God!
I'll pray that there's only progress in you and your huspands future. My ex-fiance did the same tactics with me and it did help me confront some things that I probably would've taken years to get to.
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claire
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| Joined: | Sat Feb 20th, 2010 |
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Posted: Sat Mar 13th, 2010 02:30 am |
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But, what if the husband says he wants out instead of working on the issue or the
marriage? I dont want to end the marriage, I want to work on the problems, the
addictions. So how do I encourage him to work on things, to recognize the wrong
in it if he is not there yet? Is my only option to live with it? Why dont I care more about
myself than this? Why am I so afraid to lose my husband? Is it wrong to check his computer
to see if he is still looking at this stuff? I am just too new to all of this.
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Sun Mar 14th, 2010 01:47 am |
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All those seem like wonderful questions to explore with a counselor or other professional who really knows you personally. Working on yourself even if he is unwilling to work on the relationship is always appropriate. That might be a way better to understand yourself and to begin to find a way forward, which might turn out to be with him and might turn out not to be.
Of course, as an addict and not a partner, I can only reply to questions like this based on what I hear from others; but very quick replies to some of your questions are
- You can't make him work on the relationship or get better.
- That doesn't mean the only option is to live with it. You can establish boundaries for your own protection, and you can enforce them. Those could be global boundaries like "If you don't start working with a counselor on your anger and start doing better, then we will divorce," but they can also be more local boundaries. "If you yell at me or the children, we will go spend the night at a motel." That sort of boundary might end the yelling, which would be great. If not, it would at least protect you from continuing abuse by removing you from the situation. Of course, there are any number of reasons why that boundary might not work for you or might itself not be safe, but it's an example.
Tim M.
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