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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 |
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| SOOOOOOO ANGRY!!!!!! | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 10:52 pm |
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1st Post |
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lonely1 Member
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I asked my spouse a question pertaining to his behavior last year after he told me he was a porn addict, he claimed that his behaviors which indicated an affair with a coworker was because of his addiction and that he did not have an affair he just "hated" himself...I have felt that and his behavior has indicated he had an affair but even after completing his 12 steps last week he denies there was ever an affair. Today I asked him a question pertaining to the behavior and he responded with "how triggered are you right now that you would ask me now and not after the kids went to bed"...mind you I did not ask in a nasty way and didn't not talk openly about his addiction just simply asked why he would say last year that the way he treated me and the things that were questionable about his behaviors were merely because of his addiction when these behaviors came after he disclosed he was an addict and certain things were out in the open. I am soooo very upset right now, his response was so typical of him just diverting and making it about me and how "inappropriate" I was for asking a question about his behavior...ggggrrrrrrr!!!! Sorry, had to vent on this one, maybe I'm wrong who knows
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| Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 11:15 am |
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2nd Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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My husband denies he had a physical affair, but acknowledges an emotional affair he had with a subordinate. I don't believe for an instant it was merely an emotional affair. Denial about the affairs appears fairly common. He may have completed the 12 steps, but denial indicates active addiction.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 06:06 pm |
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3rd Post |
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lonely1 Member
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He swears that he has never had a physical or emotional affair and that "coincidences" and certain behavior he exhibited made it look like he did but he didn't...it's kind of like ok so are you saying yet again that I am crazy and this is all in my head much like you would say when the porn was going on. We talked/yelled last night and he asked if I even wanted to contiue being here and I told him I was still processesing everything and not sure yet and he brought up the fact that I gave the same answer two months ago when he asked me that and that I should know by now if I do or don't. I explained to him that after 14 years in this relationship being lied to, 10 years in a marriage where I was also being lied to and then abused and barely one year of him in recovery that I would think I am in my right to take the time to really figure things out and two months isn't a huge amoutn of time to figure things out. I'm trying very hard to practice serenity but it's difficult when it feels and has felt this whole time that I am not allowed to take time to figure things out...at this point if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that I don't know who he is, or what our marriage is or was and I also don't know who I am in a sense because I am definetely not the person I once was and apparently I need to figure all of this out in two months 
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| Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 12:28 am |
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4th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Two months is still very early in the process. I ws still crying more than anything at that point. I wouldn't make any decisions for one year. I gave my husband two years to get it together. It's been 17 months for me and I am still amazed by the self- delusion in which he still engages. If your husband us pressuring you, my guess is that it's because he wants to find a new source of supply. He's not dealt with anything. Does he acknowledge the problem?
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 01:16 am |
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5th Post |
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lonely1 Member
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He acknowledges the problem, I feel it's more of a okay well it's all out in the open and he's done with his 12 steps and why am I still asking questions or being triggered or not moving forward yet.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21st, 2010 12:22 pm |
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6th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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It will take years to get over this........if ever. I understand completely. Nearly every day I am reminded of something my husband has done that hurt me deeply, something which was directly or tangentially related to the addiction. To move forward so to speak, we have to find a way to stop the reminders and/or deal with the pain they cause. Do we make a list, check it twice, force them to acknowledge/apologize for every instance? I don't even think that would work, as the apologies would be perfunctory not genuine. When I look back on my life, I can't believe what I've put up with. I want a mulligan.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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