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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 |
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| Salt and Pepper | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 6th, 2011 01:49 pm |
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1st Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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This came to me this weekend while I was engaged in cleaning the basement. This seemingly mundane task gave me a sense of accomplishment, and provided some time to think. What follows is the result. For those who are trying to understand "The Dance" that the addict and the spouse engage in, trying to see it in their marriages, I hope this helps. Salt and pepper...simple, seemingly mundane accompaniment to any meal provides a perfect illustration of the progression of addiction and the predictable actions of the spouse. When we were first married, we didn't have a proper table, only a card table and chairs. It wasn't big enough for anything to be out of reach. Nonetheless, my husband's self-centered nature showed itself even then. When I set the table, I placed the salt and pepper in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. After my husband had used the salt and pepper, he set it down immediately next to his plate, near his right hand. While this was not out of my reach, it was a stretch. At the time, I thought it rude and thoughtless, but I didn't say anything. "Why didn't he set the salt and pepper down in the middle of the table, within my easy reach?" I wondered to myself. I shrugged it off. This pattern continued. I got pregnant, we moved into a house, my parents bought us a proper table, one that was big enough for the salt and pepper to be absolutely out of reach if he continued his pattern. I again made it a habit to set the table with the salt and pepper and napkin dispenser in the middle of the table within easy reach of both of us. As you may have guessed, after he used the salt and the pepper, he set it down next to his plate, never considering whether I might like to use it. I sat there expecting him to notice and meet my need as I had met his. He stared off blankly into the distance, I asked him to pass the salt and pepper. Seemingly startled, he passed me the salt and pepper. Through the course of years, this pattern continued, and he seemed to grow irritated that I would ask him to pass the salt and the pepper, sometimes shooting me a look of daggers. I was tired of being sneered and snarled at for asking for the salt and pepper, so I started setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers, one at his end, one at my end of the table. By this time, the kids were old enough to be helping to set the table. As they were doing so, he announced one day "Your mother insists on setting the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers" as if I was to "blame" for simply wanting to eat my meal in peace, without having to ask him to pass the salt and pepper. I realize now that this interaction that has occurred over the course of decades is a perfect illustration of "The Dance." In his self-centered little world, after he'd used the salt and pepper, he set them down in a location most convenient to him, as if there was no one else at the table who might like to use them. I was never considered, me, my needs never crossed his mind. In true co-dependent fashion, I sat there for some time, hoping that he would notice and fulfill my need. When he didn't, I asked him to fulfill my need by asking him to pass the salt and pepper. My asking for my need to be fulfilled irritated him and he used this opportunity to express displeasure, so I stopped asking him to fulfill my need, and I took care of it myself: I set the table with two sets of salt and pepper shakers. And he belittled me to the children for doing that. This is a classic illustration of what I choose to call "The Dance." The addict is stuck in a self-centered world where he can't see other people or their needs. He is oblivious. The wife patiently waits for her need to be fulfilled and when it doesn't happen, she asks for it to be fulfilled. This presents an opportunity for the addict to snarl. She gives up and fulfills her own need and he finds another opportunity to belittle her. This "Dance" has been played out thousands of times in thousands of ways in my marriage. I've only recently started becoming aware of that. This is but one example. I hope it helps others to see "The Dance" with clarity and to see it for precisely what it is.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 6th, 2011 08:24 pm |
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2nd Post |
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need2bfree Member
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Wow! DW, Unbelievable insight and amazing metaphor for the marriage. Its funny I believe we have had similar table issues, revolving around his lacking to help the children cut their food or even worse pass them any food, always himself first and then he starts to eat, and i think he also leaves the butter near him etc. This will be a good test in future relationships, this can easily give clues about a.persons.awareness of others needs. I have done the.same exact process, beg for love and attention, then give up abd seek it out through friendshios, and both.times he got more verbally abisusive, neglectful, and now i know more into the othwr women.and.porn to.punish.me for having needs i guess. Thank you for more of your amazing insight into this baffling world of addiction and codependence. I really want out, so i havr removed myself from being his codependeny. Niw that i use the proper worda of abuse and neglect his behavior toward me has imoroved. But I am sticking to pure cordiallity, and co-parenting. Having zero expectactions helps in keeping my emotions.in check. Again thanks! N2Bfree
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| Posted: Tue Sep 6th, 2011 08:34 pm |
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3rd Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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We have the same butter issue, Need2BFree. I think we're living parallel lives. Stay strong!! My best, DW Edited to add: "She who expects nothing is never disappointed." Isn't that a sick way to live? Argh...but it has become my motto. Last edited on Wed Sep 7th, 2011 01:06 pm by Devastated Wife ____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 6th, 2011 08:57 pm |
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4th Post |
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TM2 Member
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Well, you know, staying clear of the salt and the butter is really in your long term best interests. (Mind you, I don't do that as well as I should, but I also have the heart to prove it.) He's doing you an unwitting service. I wonder if there's a place for that insight in the metaphor? Seriously, good post. Tim M.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 6th, 2011 09:05 pm |
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5th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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LOL, Tim. I was going to add something about black and white....to describe the differences between the addict and the spouse. Thanks for your kind words. My best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Fri Sep 9th, 2011 09:22 pm |
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6th Post |
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Man Member
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Thanks for your tremendous good description Devastated Wife. I think this is not a small thing although it might appear to be at the first glance for me. Actually it might be quite a big thing when we/ I look at the things behind?
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Fri Sep 9th, 2011 09:44 pm |
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7th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Thank you for your kind words, Man. I think it can be a big thing if you look at the motivation behind the seemingly small, daily interactions. I wanted to show how even common, everyday interactions are poisoned by the self-centeredness of addiction. And I also want wives to see how they adapt to the self-centeredness of addiction without thinking.....almost reflexively. I think men want to believe it's just them and the porn, but in reality, the attitudes learned from the porn permeate and pollute every aspect of his life and his wife's life and his children's lives. For the women, we have been trained, or have learned, to conform ourselves or change ourselves to accommodate the addict. I wonder why that is? I still haven't figured that one out yet. My Dad was an alcoholic. Perhaps I learned at an early age that I must not upset Dad, so I learned to adapt. The description of this simple interaction can teach the addict and the spouse a lot, I think. Again, thank you for your kind words. My best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Fri Sep 9th, 2011 09:54 pm |
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8th Post |
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Man Member
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Thanks for YOUR kind words Devastated Wife. I guess this can also go a little across the sexes. There might be men that are exploited by women, men exploited by men and women exploited by women? My best! 
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Oct 9th, 2011 01:35 am |
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9th Post |
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jjules Member
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yes yes and yes. this is entirely accurate. my husband is still in this mindset. its truly trying.
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| Posted: Sat May 12th, 2012 01:21 pm |
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10th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Well, I gave him a test today. I set the breakfast table so we were sitting next to each other instead of across the table. I put one set of salt and pepper shakers between us. He used the salt and set it out of my reach. Even though he claims to be in recovery, the self-centered ness remains. The self-centered ness permeates every fiber of his being.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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