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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 | Page:   1 2 |
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| Painful progress | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Sun Oct 9th, 2011 01:44 am |
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21st Post |
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jjules Member
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Hi. I would encourage you to have your wife join us, Im a wife of a recovering addict and I think she would benefit from knowing there are other women struggling like she is. Im sorry I cannot contribute to this post, but I feel for her. Jules.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 9th, 2011 08:35 pm |
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22nd Post |
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LadyP Member 
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Devastated Wife wrote: Chris, Let me sum up your post simply, directly, unequivocally: As usual, brilliantly put DW! Especially this part "Words are not enough. It's up to you build a new marriage based on DEEDS, not words or empty promises." How are you getting on with that Chris?
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 02:52 pm |
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23rd Post |
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UKChris Member
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Devastated Wife wrote:Chris, Let me sum up your post simply, directly, unequivocally: Hi DW, I am very good with words and can talk for England! However the deeds side is as you say the proof and delivers what I say. Thus far, I have been demonstrably free from the addictive traits that caused so much damage to my marriage. I have also complied with the requests to stop a business deal that would have taken me overseas and was dealing with people who were not particularly decent. Other requests have been met in so far as possible. Then my wife said she was going to make the list of things to comply with so difficult it would be impossible to do! It felt like I was being set up to fail. She does a part time job and I had an interview for a new job that came up on her work day. I cancelled the interview despite knowing that on this day she could have had two of the children with her as she has permission for this. Wherever I look she is seeking to express her anger and state how little I have done... Whenever i point out how much I have done I get berated for the errors I made in the past. I meet my Vicar roughly once a week and am slowly working through the setting captives free course. I seek a new marriage for sure...and to have new rules to ensure our happiness within the boundaries of this. At the moment...it is very stressed at home and unfair for the children to hear the distress in my wife's dialogue. I have read the link you kindly added and think it covers both sides really well. In fact I have read it several times so it really register's. You say I use tortured language. I think it the language of desperation both at the cause and effect of my actions and my deep seated desire to work through this and find the solutions that will allow her to heal over time. For sure, I do not want to lose her. In terms of "finding the best of times and emulating them" My motivation in saying this is to rebuild with a "new" marriage and aiming for what you know is best. Surely, setting your sights high is right? Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she does not believe this is a new me. I lied for years and so this is a core issue now. Despite all I do, this issue caused a lot of hurt and does not go away. I have often put myself in the shoes of my wife to try and get a small insight to the deep feeling of hurt. I have not managed to achieve even a percentage of how she feels. My feelings of remorse do not touch on how she must feel. Out of interest...how do you know you have been forgiven?
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 03:07 pm |
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24th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Forgiveness will take YEARS, after all the bitterness and pain has come out and she has reason to trust you again. Allow me to restate that: Unless and until she has dealt with the pain of betrayal, let it all come out, the good, bad and ugly...... And unless and until she trusts you again......... Forgiveness is too much to ask. She cannot, will not and MUST NOT be expected to heal on your time schedule. Best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 03:19 pm |
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25th Post |
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UKChris Member
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jjules wrote:Hi. I would encourage you to have your wife join us, Im a wife of a recovering addict and I think she would benefit from knowing there are other women struggling like she is. Im sorry I cannot contribute to this post, but I feel for her. Thank you Jules....
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 03:22 pm |
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26th Post |
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UKChris Member
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Thank you DW..... Do you think the healing is best done in the marriage or if it is better to separate for a time and for her to heal on her own terms without me being around like a catalyst of a reminder.. Last edited on Mon Oct 10th, 2011 06:33 pm by UKChris |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 10:36 pm |
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27th Post |
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Man Member
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UKChris; "Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she does not believe this is a new me. I lied for years and so this is a core issue now. Despite all I do, this issue caused a lot of hurt and does not go away." UKChris: Who is it a hurdle for? You or she? If it is for you, how can you solve your problem? If it is for her, leave it to her!!! "I have often put myself in the shoes of my wife to try and get a small insight to the deep feeling of hurt. I have not managed to achieve even a percentage of how she feels." How do you know that? "My feelings of remorse do not touch on how she must feel." How do you know that? What do you want to achieve by putting yourself in her shoes? How will that change you? How can you become a new creation by putting yourself in her shoes? Where is that solution recommended? Trying hard to become another person with own efforts? Trying to change yourself? I don't believe in that.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10th, 2011 10:38 pm |
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28th Post |
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Man Member
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Devastated Wife wrote: "She cannot, will not and MUST NOT be expected to heal on your time schedule." I think you're right.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11th, 2011 08:12 am |
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29th Post |
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Man Member
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As far as I can see, the issues are not so much about alcoholism, sex, drugs as it is about the heart of the human being? I think it is most of all something that is inside the human being?
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2011 03:04 pm |
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30th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Hi Chris, I believe that is a question only you and your wife can answer. Early on in my recovery I would have been better off to have been separated from him. I flew into a rage at the very sight of him. He didn't even have to open his mouth. I'm not sure that was productive to my healing. Conversely, if we'd separated, I don't think I would have gone back to him. Whether you stay or separate, you must make time to talk, discuss the addiction, discuss your progress, and give your wife the opportunity to ask questions and vent. And yes, this may be THE ONLY TOPIC of conversation for a long time. Her world has been destroyed. It's all she can think about. She has a lot to process. She cannot be expected to hold her thoughts or questions until next Tuesday at 4 PM when you've slotted a time to discuss this. She has to be free to discuss whenever she feels the need to do so. Best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2011 10:32 pm |
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31st Post |
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UKChris Member
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Devastated Wife wrote:Hi Chris, Hi DW, Thank you for your reply. I for one do not want to part and am unsure if I should submit to leave or if this is wrong and she is expecting me to be assertive and make a real proper effort to stay. Talking is really important, I totally agree. In fairness the conversation is moving forwards now. I am scared of us separating and her not wanting me and I am frequently reminded of the saying from Richard Bach "If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was" I know it is symptomatic of this stage of my recovery to value her even more whilst she is lost in how she feels for me. DW, your input is invaluable and I really appreciate it. I need to be more open to recognise her need to process this over a period of time and will heed your advice. Regards, Chris
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2011 10:46 pm |
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32nd Post |
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UKChris Member
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Man wrote:UKChris; Hi Man, The hurdle is what I identify as being a barrier to us moving forward. I lied a lot and therefore she no longer trusts me...reformed or not. It will take time to trust me again...and in fairness I told her it will take time before I trust myself again. In terms of putting myself in her shoes to gain an insight to the level of hurt I caused. This is important to understand and will serve as a reminder to me should I ever be tempted to cheat or act out again. On your final point...we all change and evolve in our lives...and so I am at odds with your point of view. In rectifying my past record of bad behaviour, I HAVE TO CHANGE!
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 08:07 am |
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33rd Post |
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Man Member
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Hi Chris, I don't believe it is possible for a human to change into something better with own struggle/ effort.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 09:05 am |
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34th Post |
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UKChris Member
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Man wrote:Hi Chris, I don't believe it is possible for a human to change into something better with own struggle/ effort. I respect your opinion but do not agree with you. Is it possible you mean that we need the Grace of God to change, but have not stated this...or do you feel that "YOU" cannot change and are making a generalisation based on your life experience. If this is the case, please start a separate post so we can discuss this. Regards, Chris
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 09:27 am |
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35th Post |
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Man Member
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UKChris; According to this Scripture for example: "Romans 12A Living Sacrifice 1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[d]" transformation seems to be passive. I guess it is a gift, but that we need to put ourselves in a position to receive it. I think it is possible to be changed. It might be that we don't have so different view on it. My best! And some more Scriptures: "We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. Romans 6:4" "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. Romans 8:11" Last edited on Thu Oct 13th, 2011 09:29 am by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 12:26 pm |
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36th Post |
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UKChris Member
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Thank you Man, I think we are agreed!  It is my view that you have to actively seek and ask God for help, not just expect it.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 12:36 pm |
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37th Post |
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Man Member
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UKChris wrote:It is my view that you have to actively seek and ask God for help, not just expect it. That might be right. Keep up the good fight. Leave everything that is not necessary: "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Hebrews 12:1-2"
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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