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Brian Angels
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 26th, 2007 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 09:53 pm |
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Hi everyone,
I've been separated from my wife since Feb 1, 2007 due to my porn addiction and not considering her feeling in regards to the porn and talking with ex-girlfriends. A long story short, I hit rock bottom, sought out God and began to soul search and reflect on my sins, I have repented and can say that I really feel saved.
It's been 6 weeks since I looked at pornography. I started attending SAA meetings, go to church every Sunday with my wife and her family, attend prayer meeting every Tuesday followed by a discipleship class and I reflect everyday on my past sins and it makes me feel sick.
My wife decided to forgive me and we began to reconcile our marriage. We are still separated but I am filled with such desire to be with her. My impatience is getting the best of me and I'm feeling torn up inside. My problem now is I feel like a changed man and need to share my happiness, 100% devotion and love to my wife but she is still hesitant. I can understand that and accept that. But I feel stranded, like a good puppy being punished. She asked God to take away her hostility, which he did, but she is still somewhat bitter now. Everything was going great for the past two weeks. I told her I want to move back home because I miss her so much and feel we need to be together but I understand not just yet, I just told her how I feel. The conversation got a little loud on her end because I may have come off "pushy" but didn't intent to. She will hold my hand in church one week but then she can't the next week. I don't understand. Doesn't love grow if things are working out well?
How do I cope with separation while waiting for my wife to welcome me back home? I only see her once or twice a week but think of her 24/7. I am saved and in God's hands so pornography is out of my life for good. I won't even return a text message to any exes who may text me. Need advice.
Here is my post that explains exactly what happened with my marriage: http://blazinggrace.org/forums/forum1/866.html
Last edited on Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 09:58 pm by Brian Angels
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Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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Suzi
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 01:50 am |
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Brian,
It's going to take a lot longer than six weeks for your wife to trust you again. Sorry, but it's true.
Now, you simply can't push her. YOU know you are doing good, but what is still ringing in her head? All the times you covered up and probably lied. Have you ever been lied to before? How long does it take YOU to believe someone who lied or deceived you?
My suggestion is to just keep on keeping on.
Reassure her that you really love her and want to do whatever it takes to win her back. But understand... when we have been deceived, it's hard to believe words... it's going to take actions. Consistency. Yeah.... keep the love words coming. But SHOW her you love her.
LISTEN to her. I mean really listen... like to her heart. Don't be defensive if she begins to trust you enough to open up to you how much you hurt her. Simply keep reassuring her that you are sorry... that you are sorry you hurt her.... That your goal in life is to become the most faithful husband in the world and you want to grow old with ONLY HER!
Then keep working on yourself... draw closer to God every day. Pray for your wife faithfully and consistently. Prove to her by your actions that you want to be her PROTECTOR.... and then DO IT! When a husband allows sin of any kind in his life, he is giving territory over to Satan. Take it back!! OK?
And lastly, please don't be discouraged. This will take time. Be accountable. Be faithful. Do what it takes, and she will begin to believe you. Just know this, if you deceive her again and she finds out about it, you start right back at the beginning... maybe at sub-zero even instead of zero. I recommend, if you are struggling, LET HER KNOW. I know that sounds counter-productive to establishing trust... but for most women, we DO try to understand and if our husbands will just trust US enough to share YOUR struggles with us... (be wise in HOW you say it)... then trust is being built up mutually.
Don't give up. Not if you really love her. How far will you go to PROVE your love to her? Well, now is the time to really prove it.
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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forthelord47
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 02:08 am |
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Brother,
Suzi snuck in a wonderful reply while I was typing this one and I encourage you to read her reply many times.
I'll start with The word of God which can answer this much better then I can:
I Corinthians 13:4-5
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Colossians 1:10-12
"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."
Now, I want to celebrate the fact that you have come to the cross and have been clean for 6 weeks. It sounds like your wife has dipped deep into the spirit of the lord and has forgiven you. How fortunate you are to have a wife that is so connected to God. Brother, as hard as it is, I encourage you to celebrate her recovery process. I totally understand that you feel real solid in your first 1.5 months of recovery and would like to move home and get on with a healthy family life. The development of patience is critical for any recovering sex addict. I know it's hard but I really want to encourage you to let God determine when you will move home. Trust in the Lord. In the mean time you can breathe deep, excercise frequently, deepen your fellowship with some other men through the church and please, change your cell phone number. The last thing you need to be dealing with is ANY contact from "exes."
God bless,
Marc
Last edited on Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 02:10 am by forthelord47
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 02:51 am |
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Hi Brian,
And did anyone mention drawing near to the Lord? :-) Being, and feeling, saved is wonderful, but you need to get to know God so well, fall in love with Him so deeply, get to know His Word so intimately, that when Satan attacks, as he inevitably will, and you don't feel the high of being a newborn babe in Christ, a newly freed slave, that your foundation is solid rock, not shifting sand.
This recovery and healing may, at times anyway, seem to take three steps forward, then two steps back. There may be times, regardless of what you are or are not doing, that something will have jostled the wound and it may be oozing some. Apply the salve of authentic assurance, and the bandage of patience. This morning, our pastor described how a fellow who was new to Arizona was given a new mesquite tree. He was cautioned to water it most sparingly, since, though it might initially appear to flourish with lots of water, the roots would not grow deep, reaching for the deep, reliable source of water, thus being subject to not surviving a drought. I hope the paralel is clear. As much as you desire to be together now, resting in the Lord as you pursue your recovery and nurture your new faith, while she heals, and the two of you learn what a healthy, biblical marriage looks like, rushing things may well not cause the roots to grow down as deep as they need to be to weather storms and droughts ahead.
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:31 am |
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Thank you everyone. These are probably the best responds I have ever received on a forum and regarding advice what to do now.
Impatience is one of my biggest flaws. I just miss her sooo much. But I will follow the advice given. I have actually done everything stated but again, patience in my hang-up.
The Corinthians scripture was actually said at our wedding by the Pastor. I hold every word of that to the full truth. I am now a true believer in the vows I took.
Thank you all. Please keep the replies coming though!
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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crucified123
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Posted: Sun May 13th, 2007 12:58 am |
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Dear Brain,
Question: Are you checking out, looking, flirting, ect., wih females while in church or anywhere else in public?
How long of a history to you have with your wife?
Suggestion:
1) Go to a SA meeting instead. They have a more Biblical bottom line than the meeting that you are attending. Do you have a sponsor and are you working the steps in a written format.
2) Your wife is wise to wait. You have not been in recovery long and it sounds as though your involvement with the porno and ex's are the extent of your issues. It's not and you have some things that you'll need to do before your spouse decides to live together with you again.
3) Do you want to repeat the cycle and exposed your wife to more harm and heartache. I know this is hard, but it's is so much better when the spouse knows that even though it is for you, you are willing to agonize over the changes that you alone will need to make in you mind, body, heart, and spirit in order to have the best chance of an awesome marriage. Like Christ, how much are you willing to lay down, die to yourself, and make the sacrifice of being comfortable in order to receive the full blessing. How much do you love your wife and in what way.
Hard questions, but if you truly want what you say you do. Then go forth and do what is necessary - stop looking towards your wife to fix it for you. She can't do this, as much as she would like to do so. She can only set the boundary to protect your marriage and herself. Will you honor this and bring glory to God as a man?
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Mon May 14th, 2007 11:06 pm |
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Will you honor this and bring glory to God as a man?
I ALREADY HAVE BEEN DOING THAT.
No, I no longer check out women or flirt with them. I only have desire and eyes for my wife but she doesn't love me anymore. I'm saved and have repented over and over and over with tears and close suicide calls. Now that I am saved, clean, walking with God, making a great living for myslef -- she runs away. I just don't get it.
What do you mean how long of a history do I have with my wife? We've known each other since March 2005 but I met her briefly back in May 2004.
I went to four SAA meetings but it's not for me. I did the 12 steps (except step 9) on my own. I got nothing out of the meeting I went to. I'm starting to get involved more with my church and actually feel good about it. A year ago I would've laughed at church involvement. Now that I am a saved man, it feels good. I participate in a weekly prayer group and a discipleship class. And I pray all the time. I am no longer addicted to porn because I don't need it nor do I want it. I get lustful temptations but so does everyone else that is human. With some prayer and self-discipline, or just get out of the house, I am fine.
See, I would never hurt my wife ever again in any way. Why would I want to repeat this cycle when she cried all the time and all I wanted to do was die because I'm apart from her. I mentioned moving back home because the past week has been the best time since our wedding day. Then all broke loose when I mentioned me moving back home. I'm just sick of it. I'm doing this for myself and not for her or anyone else. I no longer get angry or anxious much. I could've went to the lawyer and filed for divorce when she told me she cheated on me (no sex but kissing and heavy petting.) But I love her too much and know we can heal our marriage. We both did bad things. The past is the past. She expressed how sorry she is and I forgave her but I am having a hard time getting over it -- but I put it behind me. I don't throw it in her face like she does my past -- the old me who is dead.
Last edited on Tue May 15th, 2007 05:25 pm by Brian Angels
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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crucified123
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Posted: Tue May 15th, 2007 10:38 am |
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The reason I asked about how long your history was with your wife is because some wives marry even though they know there was an issue. Some marry not having a clue and then in other cases, the problem doesn't erupt until well into the marriage.
It's my understanding that it takes a minimum of 18-24 months to work through all the stuff in order to develop or instill a level in trust towards the "A."
It's my hunch that that when the week was over and it came down to making a step towards being together again, she panic thinking not knowing if she wanted to risk being hurt again.
You mentioned her unfaithfulness towards you. Do you think this had much to do with your "A." I'm not saying that her choice is justified. I'm just asking you if you think your behavior led her to seeking to get what she believe that you were giving to every other women.
You know just because you may be done with all of this doesn't mean that she is where you are. As a matter of fact, the first thing that should have been done a long time ago is often the very last to be addressed or even granted. The ability to be able to feel safe and to trust. This is going to take a lot of time, patience, and understanding on your part. What I hear you saying is: Since she messed up, then your mess up should be not viewed as something less than her mess up. Sort of a way of balancing out so to speak. But in reality, I hope you take me serious on this if you want her back. Ask her what she needs from you in order to be able to feel safe and to be able to trust you again. Then do it and be consistent in doing this. You may want to see an sexual addiction therapist regarding this to help each of you in exploring this and then come up with a game plan that will prove to your wife that she is the most important and only woman in your life.
Stop focusing on what she has done for now - by what you shared it sounds like she is really miserable about this, yet might feel as though her back is against the wall knowing that you may not think its important for her to be able to know in her heart that you will be there for her as she was so many times for you even when she was being kicked to the curb.
Please keep in mind this is just one way of thinking about this. It's your situation, so you're the only person that can apply what is or is not true.
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