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openWound
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 12:01 pm |
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I'm sure many people, over the months have read my previous thread, listening to my daily battles and list of failures. To tell the truth this site is where I have been most honest. My family is oblivious to my problems while the most i've told my friends is that there's a dark addiction from my past that is still affecting me.
The reason for this new thread is i'm currently going through the phase of regret and depression in my recovery and was wanting to know, truthfully, your opinions on my life decisions.
I've had this problem from my first year at high school (about age 13) and, as the years have gone by, has got steadily worse. I'm now 19 and will turn twenty in little under two months. Only over the last few months have I made any positive steps to overcoming this addiction.
At high school I was quite the introvert. I had only a small group of friends. I was always afraid to meet new people as I thought I might say the wrong thing and then everyone would know about my addiction. For this reason I don't drink, ever, as I'm afraid of what I might say that will embarrass me or what I might do that I'll regret in the morning. I know that if I start drinking I won't stop and I'll just have another problem like this one. It's also the reason I'm abstinent as I don't want to base a relationship on something addictive like sex. But I guess it's more the fear of having to be honest to someone about everything that I've never had a relationship with anyone. To put it simply I've never had a girlfriend. As I can't find myself putting my emotional burden on anyone else, it wouldn't be fair.
I'm a 19 year old virgin who doesn't drink and has never had a girlfriend. Pathetic, huh?
It's ironic though, that it was about 6 or 7 months ago that this one girl broke through my shell and gave me a solid, real reason to break this cycle. I've only seen her on one occasion since and will see her once more two weeks from now. She probably will never know about my problem, or the way in which she helped, but I want to thank her.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 03:13 pm |
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Hi openWound,
Speaking as a mom with boys just a little younger than you, both of whom have gone through the True Love Waits program and wear chastity rings on their right hands, (and don't drink,) I see your life decisions to this point as being wise, biblical, and healthy. My husband and I met not long before he turned twenty, and he was a virgin, and I his first (and only) girlfriend. Presuming that marriage is in God's plan for your life, both you and the young lady will know when that time has arrived. It is my experience that rushing God usually has poor results, and that the more one has come to terms with, and healed from, one's past prior to beginning a relationship, the healthier that relationship will be.
I have only ever had, to this day, a handful of close friends, but find that that is sufficient. This is my philosophy of friendship. Just as I do not care for everyone I meet, I accept that not all will like me either. Therefore, instead of being reserved, I am up front about who I am, what I believe, what I enjoy, etc. I have found that it keeps me from wasting much time in finding out if I have enough in common with someone on which to base a friendship.
Just my experience, but I hope it is helpful to you or others.
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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| Joined: | Wed Apr 11th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Jul 2nd, 2007 02:08 pm |
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Hey O.W.
There is nothing wrong with being a 19 year old virgin who doesn't drink and never had a girlfriend. Too many men buy into the mantra that a man has to be a hell raiser and spread his seed around to as many women as possible to be a man.
Having been in that position, I can tell you, doesn't make you a man, or even feel like one. All it does is bring tension, fear (of STD's), and shame. I am now a married man and I would have loved to have been only for my wife, and never had to explain to her that I have an STD. It's not an easy thing and I wish I never had have to do that, but what's done is done.
Do you have a strong, positive male role model in your life? The problem that many men have growing up is that they have inattentive fathers or father figures who never lead them through the masculine journey into manhood. Men raised this way often feel like a little boy who never grew up and stay that way. Only another man can bestow that masculinity upon you. Other men in your church group who have made that journey can help you, but most important, God can bestow that feeling upon you.
The fact that you are wanting to turn from your addicitve habits shows what I already know, that you are a man. A man strives to change for the better. I know you feel alone, but you are not. There are others who have been there and prevailed. To this day we still fight the enemy and his ways.
Recognize lust for what it is, it is a trap of our Enemy. Satan wishes to keep you under his control and away from serving God. Lust and porn is his most viscious trap for men. To overcome, you must recognize that your are not a product of your sin; it is not who you are. When you were created, God gave you your masculine soul, and with it, the strenght to fight. By laying your life in his hands will you find the strenght you need to carry the fight to the enemy.
I see by your last sentence that you have met a girl who has helped you break out. Loving a woman is a beautiful thing, but I must counsel you against putting your validation of manhood in her hands. A woman can not make you feel like a man. If you give her that power to validate you, it will only hurt you in the end. Recognize that you a man, bestowed with strenght through God. Fighting the lust will be a daily battle; but only when you have seen yourself for the man you are, through God's eyes, will you be able to devote yourself to a woman.
If you need to discuss further, please feel free to reply or PM. Remeber, you are a man at heart and have the strenght, through God, to overcome. Please read, if you desire, my thread under GENERAL DISCUSSION called "A change of mind against SA is possible."
Your brother in arms,
Stoic79
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ManOWar
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| Joined: | Thu Nov 13th, 2008 |
| Location: | Alberta Canada |
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Posted: Sat Nov 15th, 2008 07:52 am |
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Hi there OpenWound -
First off I would like to say that I am 26 and JUST beginning this battle against "M". I did it a lot with porn, so there is that crap in my mind too. It was mostly a rich fantasy life. I say was because this is night two of my freedom - well see how it goes -
But I WISH I would have stopped at your age, man! God has kept me from having a girlfriend and wife BECAUSE of the big fat M. It is inherently selfish, and until about four months ago or so I had a twisted view of women, where they were just sex objects - I was afraid of them too. However God has shown me how beautiful women are and how much to be respected... and as long as I am M-ing I am treating them as sex objects with the fantasies or with the porn.
Do you like reading? If so I would recommend Every Young Mans Battle (not sure of the author), which deals directly with M, and I would also HIGHLY recommend Wild at Heart which deals with the core issue of all our lives, the HEART. Wild at Heart has brought me so much healing and truth; I want every Christian man to read it...
Fight this thing with all youve got. I know I will be - for God, for my future wife, and for myself. All three are hurt by this habit....
Shalom,
ManOWar
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