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aandt
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Posted: Thu Nov 27th, 2008 12:28 pm |
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My wife and I have had a fairly active sex life. Having children, it doesn't happen as much as we would like. Plus, I have a very busy and active life where it is difficult for us to do it as often.
She found a towel on the floor the other day and was furious. She told me that everytime I masterbate, I am taking something away from our marriage.
I want to stop!! I don''t want anything taken away from our marriage. I feel like our marriage would improve greatly if I would start sowing the positive seeds, but I have tried and tried and I always fail.
If I really put my mind to it, I can go a day or two, but after 72 hours my mind is going crazy. It feels like an uncontrollable urge. I know it is controllable, but how do I get my mindset to change. Another time I struggle is when I am home alone. It never fails. My biggest struggles is when she is shopping or I am home alone for several hours. How do I break this?
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Nov 27th, 2008 07:07 pm |
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Aandt,
I sympathize with your difficulty in stopping. I am finding it extremely tough going. 8 days today of abstinence for me. The last few days have been pretty difficult, on and off. Amazingly just as the discomfort was getting to an intensity, it began slowly to subside until it was comfortable again. I had prayed about it in the morning but it had taken a good few hours for me to see a positive answer to that prayer. I thank God He does give relief, maybe not always when we ask for it.
I am trying to abstain for one month in the first instance. I'm not intending to stop at one month but I have to start to make much more of an effort. The discomfort from build-up is not going to go away, as far as I can see, unless it eases up after a few weeks.
If battle with the thoughts has been won and all you have is the habit to deal with on a purely physical level, then it should be a lot less difficult.
I haven't totally won the battle with thoughts (memories of old porn) but occasions when I remember it have become very few.
Recognizing that it will not be easy to stop is a help. At eight days for me - very tough going. I am determined not to give in.
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Nov 28th, 2008 10:45 pm |
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Hello, Andrew.
I identify with your difficulty, as I've been married for 20 years to a dear woman whose sexual need is very much less intense than mine and who can't appreciate my Herculean struggle though I've tried to describe it to her.
There's no magic formula for breaking a masturbation habit. Staying off porn is a critical first step. Knowing that sexual activity breeds further sexual activity is also an important insight. That is, the more you do it, the more you feel you need to do it; it operates by a feedback loop.
Your wife has a point. Your mutual passion will be greater, to the extent that you depend exclusively on each other for sexual satisfaction. Masturbating on the side siphons off some of the energy that ought to go into romancing her.
On the other hand, I'm concerned about the toll her judgmental attitude toward your slips may take on the relationship. That sort of thing can tempt a man to develop a secret sex life apart from his wife. Understandable though her prickliness is given the tragedy of her former marriage, does she realize that it can be counterproductive to be furious if you slip? You need to be held to a high standard but she needs to be your ally and supporter to that end and not your unforgiving critic. If you are to depend exclusively on her, then she needs to be ready to work with you pretty flexibly on availability and frequency. Are you both aware of those key verses in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5? Have you talked together about creative ways to make love more often? Could you take a longer lunch break, or linger in bed while your children are still asleep in the morning, or whatever?
Satan wants us to take it easy on ourselves till we fall, then to turn around and be hard ourselves for falling. The Lord's wisdom is to learn to be firm with ourselves lest we fall, and gentle with ourselves if we do.
At times when lovemaking isn't possible for several days on end, the buildup of tension can be tough to handle. Distraction into absorbing activities will get one further than head-on focusing on the attempt to rid oneself of obsessive thoughts. If you can delay m. even by a day, eventually you will discover you do have some control, even if not yet complete and perfect. Don't bear tomorrow's burden today: get through one day at a time.
Last edited on Sat Nov 29th, 2008 03:57 pm by Paulos
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Man
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Posted: Sat Nov 29th, 2008 12:30 am |
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Paulos wrote:
There's no magic formula for breaking a masturbation habit. Staying off porn is a critical first step. Knowing that sexual activity breeds further sexual activity is also an important insight. That is, the more you do it, the more you feel you need to do it; it operates by a feedback loop.
At times when lovemaking isn't possible for several days on end, the buildup of tension can be tough to handle. Distraction into absorbing activities will get one further than head-on focusing on the attempt to rid oneself of obsessive thoughts. If you can delay m. even by a day, eventually you will discover you do have some control, even if not yet complete and perfect. Don't bear tomorrow's burden today: get through one day at a time.
If the first statement is true, why should tension build up when lovemaking isn't possible?
Thanks
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May the Lord bless you all!
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Paulos
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Posted: Sat Nov 29th, 2008 01:54 pm |
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Man,
By "tension" I meant the restlessness that a man experiences increasingly as the body manufactures semen that doesn't get emitted when lovemaking isn't possible. This tension does indeed build up in the short term, that is, for something like 5 to 15 days. If sexual activity is denied throughout that period, however, the next peak, which comes after another span of days, isn't so insistent. Over the long term a person who consistently abstains finds that the cycle of waves flattens somewhat and lies down. Aandt is married and probably doesn't have the luxury of entering into the peace of total abstinence.
Last edited on Sat Nov 29th, 2008 04:00 pm by Paulos
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Man
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Posted: Sat Nov 29th, 2008 05:34 pm |
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Paulos wrote: Man,
By "tension" I meant the restlessness that a man experiences increasingly as the body manufactures semen that doesn't get emitted when lovemaking isn't possible. This tension does indeed build up in the short term, that is, for something like 5 to 15 days. If sexual activity is denied throughout that period, however, the next peak, which comes after another span of days, isn't so insistent. Over the long term a person who consistently abstains finds that the cycle of waves flattens somewhat and lies down. Aandt is married and probably doesn't have the luxury of entering into the peace of total abstinence.
Paulus: Is this something that you have experienced or is it theoretical knowledge? Could it be that this differs from man to man?
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sat Nov 29th, 2008 07:08 pm |
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I am interested in the tension topic here. I haven't masturbated for ten days - one of my longest periods of abstinence - and today I woke up very uncomfortable in the private parts and that has continued throughout the day. It has not eased up much today so it has been a day for enduring. Tomorrow perhaps may be easier.
This tension isn't in my case owing to thinking sexual thoughts, fantasizing about sex, conjuring up images in the mind. It must, therefore in my case be refraining from sexual activity.
Sometimes it really looks impossible to carry on.
A month abstinence today seems a long way off and ten days is a third of that!
Last edited on Sat Nov 29th, 2008 09:19 pm by guitarist63
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Paulos
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Posted: Sun Nov 30th, 2008 12:21 am |
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Man,
I speak from experience. But I've read enough in the research literature to know that your point is true: there is a great deal of variation from individual to individual. That's why I gave a range "something like 5-15 days." I don't think history records a case, however, in which a man has ever exploded from sexual abstinence. The "internal pressure" model is a Freudian myth. Fluid that the body doesn't slough off in a wet dream gets re-absorbed.
Guitarist63,
I've often been where you are and I've usually caved in. But not always. Sometimes I've made it for two, three, four weeks; once for four months; and once for about a year. I can't promise you that relief will come very soon, nor that it will come as a complete lifting of all pressure. But for me tension has never got worse than it was at about 5-10 days. And the longer I've lasted, the more I could have kicked myself for ever returning to m., as it seemed a needless stirring of what was gradually lying down.
I too have managed to avoid or eliminate virtually all deliberate mental stimulation, yet the body doesn't let me rest. The most harrowing experiences for me occur at night, as for me nocturnal emissions quite often don't complete themselves. I wake too soon, a few seconds away from climax. If there's guilt for masturbating under that circumstance, I'm sure it's very much diminished. A few times I've got through it, however--once I gave in only on the third night in a row.
The physiological basis behind sexual desire is a very significant factor to have to cope with, but probably our chief battle is with the numerous stimuli we have to face in an over-sexualized western environment.
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aandt
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Posted: Sun Nov 30th, 2008 02:40 pm |
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| It is a scientific fact that men have semen build up and it releases once every 72 hours. This is often times released during sleep and you don't even know about it.
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Paulos
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Posted: Sun Nov 30th, 2008 08:41 pm |
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Andrew,
When your wife will be out for an hour or two, could you not make yourself accountable to her for your time by telling her that you will be working on some project--mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, balancing the check book, baking a batch of cookies, anything your progress in which will be visible when she gets back. You wouldn't even have to tell her why you're telling her.
I would think what one doesn't want to do is plant oneself idly in front of a TV set or a PC while she's out. That's a recipe for a fall.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Nov 30th, 2008 10:28 pm |
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Thanks for your experience of this, Paulos.
I have now to start again after 11 days of abstinence. See main accountability thread.
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Man
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Posted: Wed Dec 3rd, 2008 12:24 am |
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I feel that the tensions are there quite even after many days. It is irritating when you Paulos describe it as a fact that the tension will decrease after 5 - 15 days. Are you sure about that? It seems to be a constant pain..., so I have to be active all the time, do things that I might fear and so on..
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guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Dec 3rd, 2008 08:35 pm |
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Man,
It's too bad that the tension side of it is not getting better.
Is it possible that the mind sometimes feeds it? I wonder about it because some days for me are easy and others are not and I can't see a consistency in that, a reason for why some days are worse than others.
Any ideas?
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Paulos
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Posted: Wed Dec 3rd, 2008 09:32 pm |
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Man,
If you read carefully what I wrote in my two posts of November 29 above, you won't have to be irritated. Tension builds for 5 - 15 days, then "gets no worse"; it will gradually lie down "over the long term." It may take a few months of complete abstinence for that to happen.
Guitarist63,
Attitude has a great deal to do with how we experience tension. If we feel the requirement of abstinence to be imposed on us against our will, tension becomes a hunger that gnaws at our joy. If the desire for chastity wells from the depth of our inner being, we endure the tension as a temporary stage on the way to a greater happiness. A prisoner in a labour camp and an athlete training for a competitive event may lift the same amount of weight day in and day out. The one chafes. The other proceeds from strength to strength. The mind of Christ comes from the touch of the Holy Spirit.
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