- April 2013
15 Principles for Freedom
- March 2013
I Believe; Help My Unbelief
- February 2013
- January 2013
Speak, Lord, Your Servant is Listening
- December 2012
Healing from the Wounds of Rejection
- November 2012
A Look at Grace
- October 2012
When Someone Shares Their Sin
- September 2012
Willpower Doesn't Work
- August 2012
Look Who's One of the Porn Industry's Biggest Customers
- July 2012
For Those Who Are Control Freaks (and don't want to be)
- June 2012
Blazing Grace on a Sunday Morning in Church
- May 2012
Why We Need Suffering
- April 2012
The Forgotten Half - Wives of Christian Porn / Sex Addicts
- March 2012
3 Breakthroughs to Freedom from Sexual Addiction
- February 2012
The Christian Pharisee
- January 2012
When Your Heart Is Hard
The Little Boy
By Mike Genung
In his early years, the Little Boy was a happy kid, with a fun, adventurous spirit. He loved playing with his army toys and pretending to be the hero who saves the day. He would imagine himself as Rambo; fearless, determined, and with big biceps, able to jump into battle at a moment’s notice against overwhelming odds and win. Or he’d picture himself as Braveheart, a leader whose courage and integrity was admired by both men and women. Yes sir, that’s the kind of man the Little Boy wanted to be. He would paint his face blue and dash around the backyard, slashing at bushes and trees with his toy sword, taking on imaginary foes in desperate battle.
Most of all, the Little Boy wanted to be like his daddy; he was everything the Little Boy wanted to be: smart, strong and tough. He was proud of his daddy, and would boast to other little boys that his daddy could whip theirs. He loved it when they would wrestle and laugh together or talk about men stuff... when his daddy was home, that is. His daddy traveled a lot for his job, and was gone often. It made the Little Boy sad that he couldn’t have more time with him.
But the Little Boy notices that other little boys don’t get sad; they’re too rough ‘n rowdy to feel things like that, so he decides to be a rough ‘n rowdy boy too. Although they say and do things his parents have told him not to, which gets him into trouble, it makes him feel good when the other boys tell him how cool he is.
One day, his mommy and daddy have to go somewhere, and they leave him and his little sister with Uncle Frank to stay the night at his house. The Little Boy had always thought Uncle Frank was weird; his uncle is quiet, and every once in a while he would see Uncle Frank looking at him in a strange way that made him feel uncomfortable.
That night, Uncle Frank seems happy; they watch fun movies together and have popcorn, and he lets them stay up for awhile. When it gets late, Uncle Frank puts his little sister to bed first, in a guest bedroom in the house. Then Uncle Frank brings the Little Boy into his bedroom… and does some horrible things to him… that involve touching the Little Boy’s private parts.
Afterwards, the Little Boy is so sick that he throws up; he wants to run away, but is too afraid. “If you tell anyone what happened,” Uncle Frank tells him, “I’ll do this to you again.” The Little Boy promises he won’t say a word.
Over the next few years, the Little Boy starts to change. Some days he gets angry for no reason; on others, he wants to cry a lot. He wants to tell his daddy what happened so he can pound Uncle Frank, but his daddy is gone even more now. His mommy and daddy are fighting a lot, too. He’s now afraid of being touched by other people. He hates family get- togethers, because Aunt Susie, who has to hug and kiss everyone, is always there. Some nights, he has nightmares about what happened with Uncle Frank; when this happens he often wakes up shivering in fear.
One day a few years later, the Little Boy is at Jimmie’s house. Jimmie is another rough ‘n rowdy boy, and he and the Little Boy hang out together a lot. Jimmie goes to a hiding place in his room, and shows the Little Boy his collection of magazines he has; magazines with lots of shocking pictures of little girls. Although the Little Boy instinctively knows these magazines are bad, the pictures excite him. “Go on, take one home” laughs Jimmie. “I have plenty more.”
The Little Boy takes the magazine home, and looks at it a lot. He remembers what Uncle Frank did to him, and how it felt, and does it to himself. “This is fun” the Little Boy thinks; soon, he has his own hidden collection of magazines, just like Jimmie.
One day the Little Boy’s mommy and daddy start going to church; they’d recently heard about someone named Jesus, and going to church seemed to be what people did who wanted to know more about Him. In church, the Little Boy learns that Jesus is God, and that He loves him and died on the cross for him. He hears that bad people go to hell, and that Christians, people who love Jesus, go to Heaven. The Little Boy doesn’t want to go to hell, so he decides to become a Christian; immediately, something strange happens inside. The Little Boy finds he doesn’t want to be rough ‘n rowdy anymore; he wants to please Jesus.
The Little Boy goes to several churches over the years with his parents, and notices the pastors say different things about God. One pastor screams “if you sin a lot you will go to hell!” which scares the little boy, so he starts trying his best to be good. Another says “you need to learn everything in this book and do it so you can please God.” Another pastor says “God loves you” a lot. The Little Boy likes to hear this, but, doesn’t always feel like God loves him, especially after he looks at his magazines. “Besides, if God loves me, why did He let Uncle Frank do those things to me?” he wonders.
One day at church, the Little Boy meets a pretty Little Girl in a blue dress. This Little Girl is special; she knocks him out like no other little girl has before. He loves everything about her – how she looks, talks and thinks. When they’re together, he’s happy and doesn’t want to leave her. Soon, they become best friends.
Growing up, the Little Girl loved to dance. A few years back, when her school was putting on a play, she was going to be the main character. This play meant everything to her; she spent several months practicing for it, and would often spend 2 hours a day practicing her moves. She wanted everything to be perfect.
The day before the play, her mommy took her to a store to buy a beautiful, frilly white dress and new shoes, just for the play. “I can’t wait for my daddy to see me in this dress” she thought, as she looked at her image in the mirror at the store. He would be so proud. When they arrived home, they saw there was a note on the kitchen counter. Her mommy started crying after she read it; “he left us,” she said. The Little Girl’s daddy had left them for another mommy, who had 2 other little girls. Brokenhearted, the Little Girl never wore that dress again, neither did she participate in the play; she told the school she was too sick to dance, and another little girl took her part.
It wasn’t long before the Little Girl and the Little Boy decided to become Best Friends for Life. Both of them are excited; now they’ll be loved by someone who won’t hurt them. In the excitement of getting married, the Little Boy throws his collection of magazines in the trash; he won’t need them now that he has his Little Girl.
For the first few months, their marriage is a lot of fun; they laugh, kiss and hug each other a lot; being Best Friends for Life is great. But then, something starts going wrong; the Little Boy starts feeling like he did before they were Best Friends for Life – angry, scared, and like he wants to cry a lot. He stops talking to his Little Girl as much, and they stop kissing. The Little Girl feels hurt, and unloved, and starts pushing her Little Boy to talk to tell her what’s wrong. Problem is, the more she pushes him, the more scared he gets, and they end up fighting a lot.
One day, while the Little Girl is away at the store, the Little Boy discovers he can look at pictures like those in the magazines he used to have by using his computer to get on the internet. He remembers how good this used to make him feel; “this is the only safe way I can be loved” he tells himself. He starts looking at the pictures of other little girls on the computer and touching himself often, sneaking to out to their computer room after his Little Girl had gone to sleep, or when she is out running errands.
Late one night, the Little Girl wakes up after the Little Boy has left their room to get on the computer. Puzzled by his absence, she walks into their computer room, and is horrified to see her Little Boy touching himself as he is looking at pictures of other little girls on their computer. She can’t believe what her Best Friend for Life is doing, and starts crying.
The Little Boy is embarrassed, and feels awful; how could he have hurt His Little Girl this way? “I’ll never do it again, I’m sorry.” He promises her. The Little Girl wants to trust her Little Boy more than anything; although she’s deeply hurt, she believes him.
In the weeks that follow, the pictures from those images keep coming back to the Little Boy’s mind, and he eventually breaks his promise to the Little Girl. “It’ll be ok as long as she doesn’t find out,” he thinks “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” She asks him from time to time if he’s still looking at the pictures, but he always lies, not wanting to hurt her again.
Even though her Little Boy says he isn’t looking at the pictures anymore, there’s something about the way he acts that doesn’t feel right to the Little Girl. He doesn’t laugh much anymore, and he’s quiet a lot; he rarely kisses her. When she asks him if everything’s ok, he gets angry and defensive, as if he’s irritated that she could even ask him this question. Even though he says nothing’s wrong, their friendship seems to be dying.
One day a few months later, as the Little Girl is typing a letter on their computer at home, she hits a key by mistake – and is horrified when a shocking picture of another little girl pops up to the screen. Hoping this is an isolated incident, she calls one of her friends, who tells her how to find where pictures are stored on the computer – and is stunned to find hundreds more of them. From the dates on the files, it looks like her Little Boy has been looking at pictures of other little girls every day. “How could I have believed him all this time!?” she asks herself, through tears of anger and hurt
This is too much for her to take; she quickly writes a note that says “You’ve hurt me too much, and I can’t trust you. I’m sorry, but I can’t be your Best Friend for Life anymore,” packs her bags, and leaves their home.
Later that evening, the Little Boy is puzzled to come home to a dark house. “Usually she leaves a light on, what’s going…” and then he sees her note. “Oh no! What have I done?” he screams. His first instinct is to rush to the computer and look at more of those pictures to forget about his loneliness… but then, he realizes “This junk is the reason why I lost my Little Girl… I don’t want it anymore; I want her.” In a panic, he calls his Little Girl at her Mommy’s house and promises to be good, but she refuses to listen. “You’ve lied too many times; I can’t trust you again with my heart” she says, and hangs up.
That night, the Little Boy cries more than any other time in his life. He thinks about God and all the things he’s heard said at church. He knows what the Bible says, but has disobeyed it for years; “maybe I’ve sinned so much I’m going to hell.” he wonders. “Maybe Jesus doesn’t love me anymore.”
“God, I’ve made a mess of my life and I don’t know what to do; if you’re there, please help me” he prays. The Little Boy is so sick from sadness that he feels like he wants to throw up. Finally, late at night, he falls asleep.
As the Little Boy is sleeping, Jesus appears to him in a dream; he and Jesus are standing outside of a house that looks strangely familiar…
Jesus is wearing a bright white robe; light seems to emanate from Him. There is a look of compassion in Jesus’ eyes, as He asks the Little Boy: “Will you let me heal you?”
Although the Little Boy is scared, the look on Jesus’ face puts him at ease.
“I think so. What do I have to do?”
“Enter this house with Me.”
Suddenly, the Little Boy remembers whose house they’re standing in front of – it’s Uncle Frank’s.
“I can’t go in there … I can’t,” the Little Boy says, in a terrified whisper.
“The choice is yours. You can stay where you are, if you like, but this will be as good as your life will get.”
The Little Boy thinks back to where his actions had taken him, and how he’d lost his Little Girl.
In an instant, the Little Boy and Jesus are standing in Uncle Frank’s bedroom; the place where those horrible things were done to the Little Boy. He feels sick to his stomach… and angry. He hates Uncle Frank.
“Why??” he asks. “Jesus, why did you let this happen to me??”
Jesus looks at him with a steady gaze: “Will knowing why make a difference?” He asks softy.
“I….” and then, the Little Boy realizes that Jesus is right; knowing “why” can’t change what happened. A sense of utter hopelessness washes over him, and the Little Boy starts crying.
Jesus extends his right hand out to him, and says:
“I love you, my child.”
Upon hearing this, the Little Boy rushes into Jesus arms, and lets it all out; years of pain, shame and sorrow are poured out with deep, heaving sobs. As he allows Jesus to comfort him, the warmth of God’s love breaks into his heart, healing the Little Boy’s heart. God does love him, just as the Bible says.
“My Child, you’ve been in this room all of your life, and it’s kept you trapped in pain and sin. Are you ready to leave it?”
“To leave this room, you must forgive your uncle.”
The Little Boy hesitated for a moment; this was unexpected. Uncle Frank doesn’t deserve forgiveness; heck, he’d never even asked for it. And yet, the joy in the Little Boy’s heart is too good to mess up with bitterness any longer; what further use would his anger serve?
“I forgive Uncle Frank,” the Little Boy says firmly.
Jesus smiles: “You must never return to that room again.”
Instantly, the Little Boy finds that He and Jesus are back in the living room of his home. The only light in the house comes from Jesus; all the lights in the house are still off.
“Can I have my Little Girl back now?” the Little Boy asks.
“It’s up to her. If she won’t allow me to heal her as you’ve done, she may not come back. There are many little girls who’ve been hurt by their little boys who don’t return. No matter what happens, I must be your First Best Friend now, not the Little Girl. If she should return to you again, you must resolve to let her into your heart on a consistent basis to keep your relationship alive. She wants you, not the bread crumbs of your life. Will you trust Me, no matter what happens?”
After hours of crying at her mommy’s house, the Little Girl has made up her mind; she’s not going back to her Little Boy. “Maybe the Little Boy I first met never existed,” she wonders. She feels hard, cold and empty inside. “I won’t let anyone hurt me like that again” she promises herself.
That night, Jesus appears to her in a dream; He and the Little Girl are standing outside the house where she grew up.
“Will you let me heal you?” He asks.
“Heal me from what?!”
Jesus is silent; He merely looks at her with an intense, yet compassionate gaze that melts her heart like a wax candle.
“Okay” she says.
Suddenly, they are in the kitchen, standing in front of the counter – and there’s a note on it; the one her daddy wrote when he left.
“Where have you been all of my life??” the Little Girl asks… “Why did my father leave us? And why did you give me a Little Boy who looks at pictures of other little girls??”
Softly, Jesus repeats his original question: “Will you let me heal you?”
“Why isn’t He answering my questions?” she wonders, as she nods again.
There’s a long rectangular box sitting on the kitchen counter. Jesus walks up to it, takes it, and then hands it to the Little Girl. In the box is the dress her mother had bought her for the dance.
“Will you dance for me?” Jesus asks.
The Little Girl can’t believe what she just heard; the King of the Universe is inviting her to dance for Him.
“Okay,” she whispers, trying to hold back tears.
Suddenly, they are in a school auditorium. The Little Girl is wearing the white dress and shoes that her mommy bought her, and is standing center stage; all lights are on her. There are many persons in the crowd, but it’s dark and she can’t make out their faces, except for one. There, seated in the center of the front row, is Jesus, who’s beaming at her like a proud father.
Music starts playing, and the Little Girl begins to dance, like she’s never danced before; her timing is perfect. As she dances, she can’t take her eyes off of Jesus, Who is watching her every move with interest.
A few minutes later, the Little Girl finishes her dance, and there is thunderous applause; the lights come on, and she’s sees that the auditorium is packed with angels. As she stands there, stunned, Jesus stands up, walks up to her, and embraces her; the Little Girl collapses to the floor, sobbing, pouring out the pain of her life out to Him. After every tear is cried out, warmth spreads through her heart, and there is joy where anger and sorrow had been. For the first time in her life, she knows she is loved.
“My daughter, will you forgive your father for leaving you?”
“Yes, Lord” the Little Girl responds eagerly.
“Will you forgive the Little Boy?”
This wasn’t easy. He’d hurt her like no one else had.
“Does forgiving him mean I have to go back to him?”
“No, that choice is yours. But if you choose not to release him, you will keep your heart poisoned with bitterness.”
The Little Girl thought about it for a few seconds, and then, quietly, says “ok, I forgive him. But Jesus, I can’t go back to the Little Boy if he’s going to hurt me like that again. Will you heal Him like you healed me?”
“Every little boy has to choose to let Me heal Him; there are many who don’t. If you want to know the answer to this, go and ask him. If you choose to stay, you will need to accept him as he is to make the relationship work. I have made him like he is for a purpose, and your role will be to build him up into My purpose.”
2 weeks later, it’s 6:00 at night, and the Little Boy is home, alone. Although he hasn’t heard from the Little Girl since she left, he’s determined to trust Jesus no matter what happens.
There’s a knock at the door… the Little Boy opens it, and is stunned at the site before him. There, standing at the doorway, is his Little Girl, wearing a white dress. She looks like an angel; her hair is made up in a way he’s never seen before, and a thin gold necklace adorns her neck. The Little Boy backs up, until his legs hit the bottom of the couch and he falls backwards onto it … he doesn’t know what to say, and anything he might say feels like it couldn’t be enough.
The Little Girl steps in, closes the door, and sits at the other end of the couch. Both of them look at each other without speaking for several minutes.
Finally, the Little Boy musters up the courage to speak:
The Little Girl nods…
“I’ve met Jesus!” he says.
“You have?!” she asks. “So have I!”
Slowly, they take each other’s hand…
and Jesus smiles.
© Copyright 2004-2013 - Mike Genung
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