Healing a Broken Marriage From Adultery
Healing a Broken Marriage From Adultery
by Mike Genung
Picture taking a 9” stiletto knife, and then plunging into your wife’s back, all the way to the hilt. Then as she screams in pain and horror at the recognition that you, her best friend have stabbed her, you say “I’m sorry. Can you please get over this quickly?”
Adultery cuts into the fragile and vulnerable places of the heart causing indescribable pain and trauma. It annihilates trust, destroys self esteem and severs the bonds of love with the cold steel blade of betrayal. It is only a loved one, who was trusted with the deepest joys, fears, hopes and dreams that can hurt another so deeply. Porn with masturbation, by the way, is adultery, and it can hurt our spouses just as deeply.
In 1991, 2 years after I married my wife, I had sex with a prostitute in a hotel room while on a business trip. Overwhelmed by guilt and knowing our marriage covenant was broken I told Michelle what I’d done a few days later. I’ll never forget her reaction. She fell apart crying with deep, heart rending sobs, repeating my name “Oh Mike, Mike, Mike….” When I heard the pain pouring out of my wife I realized I’d hurt her deeply and inflicted an enormous amount of damage to our marriage. I was terrified that she might leave me.
In the following weeks our marriage teetered on the brink of disaster. Michelle would be ok one moment, and then something would trigger in her and she’d either start crying or go off on a burst of anger. Our married life became a volatile emotional roller coaster that I couldn’t fix, and in fact my presence made it worse; all Michelle had to do was look at me to be tortured with the reminder of what I’d done. I couldn’t comfort her because I was the one who’d hurt her, and when I touched her physically, even if it was just holding hands, it was as if I was rubbing salt in her wounds.
At a loss for what to do I sought the advice of another Christian brother. John had committed adultery on his wife several years earlier, and his marriage had made it. When I asked John how long it took his wife to heal from his betrayal, John’s response was short and to the point: “years.”
My mouth dropped. “Years ???” I said in disbelief. “Years ??? I thought surely you were going to say a few weeks or maybe even months… but… years??!!”
“Yes, years” John repeated firmly. “The old marriage you had is dead and you have to build a new one. This is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part; you’ve got to kill her with kindness and win her all over again.”
Today I know that John was right. It took two years before my wife was able to feel completely at ease when I traveled again. My all out efforts to break free from lust were critical; if I’d have continued to slip with porn or committed adultery again then she would have had no reason for hope, and our marriage would have been over.
To rebuild a broken marriage takes solid commitment in the midst of what at times can be a red hot boiling pot of emotional turmoil, from both partners. For the marriage to find healing, the wife, when she’s ready, (not when she’s been manipulated, guilted, or cajoled into it), must come to the place of forgiveness. The husband must build a new foundation of trust and be willing to walk with his wife as she heals. He will have to choose between the marriage and his pride, meaning he has to be willing to allow her the complete freedom to express her rage and hurt without defending what is his indefensible position.
In other words, the husband has to die so the wife and their marriage can live. For this article I’m taking the approach that the husband is the betrayer, but the reverse happens as well. The principles are the same either way.
First, we’ll address the one who has committed adultery.
The big question after adultery has been committed is “do I tell my wife what I’ve done?” Both answers to this question are fraught with problems. Hiding adultery doesn’t change the fact that the marriage covenant has been shattered, and the husband who has betrayed his spouse will be haunted by the truth as long as he keeps it a secret. On the other hand, telling the spouse is a journey into the unknown; no one can predict how their wife will respond when betrayal is revealed. She could immediately file for separation or divorce, or she might try to work it out. If she agrees to stick it out the couple will be in for months of emotional strife and pain. There’s no easy way out.
After I’d committed adultery and was pondering whether to tell Michelle I asked John whether I should tell her or not. I knew John and his wife had gone through a rough time keeping their marriage together so I was hoping he’d say “ there’s no way I’d tell her again”, as I didn’t want to tell Michelle what I’d done. John’s response rang in my ears: “you have to tell her or there will never be true intimacy in your marriage again, because the person you committed adultery with will always be between you and your wife.”
Before I told Michelle of my betrayal, when we talked on the phone and she would cheerily tell me how much she loved me, the images of what I’d done tormented me. My wife was loving and trusting a liar, me, and I had a hard time accepting her love after knowing what I’d done to her. It would be like the president of a bank giving me money to live on after I’d robbed his bank. I owed Michelle a tremendous debt and needed to make my crime right; to continue accepting her love felt too much like stealing. There was also the issue where I’d physically soiled our marriage after having had sex with the prostitute; I didn’t know whether I’d picked up an STD and if Michelle got it... shudder. For me to withhold the truth would be like keeping the prostitute in our marriage bed.
There can be no doubt that the cost for telling the betrayed spouse is extremely high. My biggest hurdle in telling Michelle was the fear of losing her, in addition to knowing she would he deeply hurt – and mad.
My opinion is that the large majority of those who have committed adultery (I’m talking 95% here) should reveal the truth to their spouse so the marriage can be healed.
The times when adultery shouldn’t be revealed, I believe, are extremely rare. Some examples might be if a wife has gone through a stressful time, perhaps with a loss of a parent, or if they were dealing with some sort of trauma such as childhood sexual abuse or rape. To tell her when she was broken already would border on abuse. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the spouse should never be told, but that telling her at the present time may not be wise.
Before your wife is told you should have the men in your support group (you are in a support group by now, right?) pray for the Lord’s hand on your marriage. Spend a few days asking the Lord to heal your wife and lay the outcome at His feet. God’s involvement in what will be a bloody process at best is critical.
Once she knows the situation:
* Expect an emotional roller coaster that could last for months. It won’t be easy and you need to be prepared for the long haul. This race is a grueling marathon, not a sprint.
* If she asks you questions about the details of what you've done, answer them truthfully and carefully; try to avoid being overly graphic. Your words will paint the scenes of a video in her mind that she will run over and over again. Answering her questions truthfully are an important part of the process of rebuilding trust. (Wives, please see my comments below on asking the details).
* When she expresses her pain and/or anger to you over what you’ve done, realize that it’s a necessary part of the healing process. You want her to open up and talk with you about her feelings and disappointment so she can purge her hurt. The worst thing you can do when she expresses herself is defend yourself or try to cut her off. Be quiet and listen; allow her to express herself, no matter what she says. That includes swearing and even name calling; if she goes that far just keep your mouth shut. She needs to express the pain and anger to process the poison out of her system. If she does call you names ignore it for the present time; do not fight back. Remember, you’ve hurt her and all that she’s going through is because of what you’ve done. You need to give her the complete freedom to express the pain within.
If she withdraws from you for an extended period of time then gently coax her to talk to you; ask her to tell you how she’s feeling. You want to encourage her to express her feelings as much as you can without being pushy or nagging. There will be times when she just needs some space; pray for discernment in this area and when the Lord shows you she needs some time to herself, let her have it. Give the crushed flower the loving water and sunshine it needs to heal and grow again.
* If you haven’t done so already, take 100% responsibility for your betrayal. Make no excuses; it’s your sin, and don’t add any barbs like “if you were having more sex with me then I wouldn’t have been unfaithful.” That’s a big, reeking, truckload of youknowwhat. My adultery with Michelle was the result from me indulging in lust for many years, and it was my choice alone. You alone chose to commit adultery; own up to it.
* Give up your right to sex. Tell your wife you realize the damage you’ve done and that you’ll back away from all demands for sex until she’s ready. You’ve raped your wife emotionally and it will take some time for her to feel secure enough in the relationship to open up to you again this way. Crushed flowers need time to heal and bloom. Giving up your right to sex will show her you care about her and that you aren’t trying to make everything right just so you can get what you want.
* As soon as possible, start praying with your wife once a day, every day. Pray for each other in specific ways; ask the Lord to cleanse and heal your marriage; ask Him to bless your wife. Confess your sin to Him in front of her and ask Him to heal her from it. You both need to bring the Lord into your marriage as quickly as possible; your time praying together will be a soothing balm for both of you. Remember that He must rebuild your marriage and you both need Him.
* Realize that the old marriage is dead and you need to build a new one. Start by courting your bride all over again. Ask her to go on a date with you, again, with zero expectations of sex. Get to know her as a friend as you did before, and let her do the same with you. Listen to her. Do the things you know she likes that you’ve probably neglected long ago, such as opening the door, bringing her flowers, giving her cards with heartfelt words of love, or showing her simple kindness. Pour the ointment of grace and love on her and let her see by your actions that she’s precious to you.
* Remember the simple instructions from the Lord on how to make a marriage work: “Husbands love your wives.” Not husbands, preach to, manipulate, fix or control. Work at accepting and loving her as she is and letting the Lord take care of her defects.
* She will begin to trust you again when she sees you’re making consistent efforts to stop acting out with all forms of lust. Action and results speak louder than words here. If you’re still acting out with pornography, or if you’re isolating a lot, or if you haven’t broken off contact with the person you had the affair with then you give your wife no reason to stay married to you. You can’t have your wife and lust; you’ve got to choose which one you want. If you’re still playing around with porn or dabbling in an inappropriate relationship then she has every right to ask for a separation until you get your priorities straight.
* If the two of you are missing each other and finding communication too difficult, get marital counseling from a Christian counselor or pastor with experience in these issues ASAP. Ask the counselor if they’ve had experience helping couples heal from adultery before and if they haven’t, keep looking until you find one. Getting marital counseling can be a safe way to work through sensitive issues that may be too emotionally charged for you to deal with at home.
* Stay close to the Lord and pray for your wife every day. Ask Him to guide you with the right word and deeds to rebuild your marriage, and give you discernment in understanding when she needs to be left alone and when she needs to talk.
* A traumatic event like adultery often has the effect of exposing unhealthy communication and relational habits in the marriage, such as dependency, out of balance power/control issues and inappropriate boundaries. Dealing with these issues on top of trying to rebuild a broken marriage can be overwhelming. Again, if communication becomes strained or stifled for extended periods of time, see a Christian marital counselor.
* Have those in your support group hold you and your wife up in prayer often. I’ve seen the Lord bring marriages back from the dead, even after the wife had told the husband she’d wanted a divorce. Prayer plays an enormous role in the healing process, and the more people you can have praying for you and your wife, the better.
Now we turn to the spouse.
* For you who have been betrayed, realize that adultery is a painful, traumatic event. In the beginning your emotional state can bounce violently between from a state of shock, to blistering anger and then to tears of grief. This is normal, and you’re not nuts; it’s what happens when you get hurt deeply by a loved one. What happened is not your fault. Your spouse’s choice to sin against you was his alone; don’t take the blame, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
* You have every right to ask your spouse to tell you every detail of what happened. Having said this, consider that knowing the color of the other person's hair, or what your spouse did with the other person sexually will add vivid color to a video that you can use to torture yourself repeatedly with. Asking questions like how long an affair took place, how often and with what number of persons (which should be asked) are different from asking every intrinsic, gory detail. Consider what you should ask, as well as what you shouldn't; what's healthy and needed to rebuild trust, vs. what will only hurt you more. Wounds need to be cleaned out, not rubbed with salt or cut deeper.
* The worst thing you can do is to try to make sense of this on your own without help. You need at least one other person who you can talk to and pray with on a consistent basis who is not your spouse to get you through this. It’s important that you express your anger and pain and avoid holding it in at all costs. Unresolved pain and anger ferments into the poison of bitterness over time, and it will eat you alive. You need someone you can trust (who’s not your husband) to keep the things you share confidential; discussing your hurt with your husband alone puts enormous pressure on an already stressed to the max marriage. You might seek the help of a Christian counselor, or you could meet with a trusted friend. You should meet at least once a week in the beginning with another person and they should pray with you. The more people you can get praying for your marriage, the better.
If you can’t think of anyone to turn to then ask the Lord to show you the person or group He wants you to go to, and be flexible and open to where He leads you to. It may not be to someone you would have originally thought of.
* The second worst thing you can do is open up with the wrong person. Telling Aunt Betty the Blabber or Hurricane Henrietta who has it in for your husband is a big mistake. Instead of serving as a conduit for healing, people like this will pour gasoline on the fire of your anger and sabotage the healing process. Telling family, at least in the beginning, often isn’t a good idea. The last thing you need are your relatives adding pressure to the cooker by pushing you to divorce your husband every time they see you. Worse, some family members even blame the wife when a husband falls into adultery with statements like “Oh Dearie, it’s all in your head; you just need to live up to your wifely duties.” Laurie Hall described the hell of telling the wrong people in her book “An Affair of the Mind.” Proceed carefully and probe the person you might talk to for their attitudes about adultery before you open up with them.
* The goal you’re striving for, when you’re completely ready, is to forgive your husband from the heart. The road to forgiveness isn’t easy and it involves pain, anger and grieving what was lost. Forgiveness will cost you a lot because it means you’ll be letting him off the hook for a tremendous debt that he can never repay. Forgiveness of betrayal parallels what Jesus did on the cross for all of us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you turn into a doormat, or allow him to abuse you, or accept his actions if he continues to keep messing with porn or any other manifestation of lust.
* You have every right to demand that any and all pornography be removed from the house, or if he had an affair that your husband permanently sever contact with the other person. If he won’t or he delays then he’s just playing games and you should seriously consider a separation until he’s willing to make that commitment to you. Decisions like this should be made carefully, with much prayer and the counsel of others. Separation is not divorce, and it’s a valid way of sending your husband the message that you’re not going to accept anything less than complete commitment to you on his part. Unfortunately there are some men who need this kind of tough love before they “get it.” You wouldn’t have accepted another woman in your husband’s life when you were engaged, and you shouldn’t now. This is another reason why you need other strong Christian women who don’t have an axe to grind surrounding you. The Godly counsel of other Christian women will be a life preserver in the storm.
* In the midst of all the pain and trauma, there are some silver linings the Lord weaves in. Some wives make their husbands out to be their god, when it is the Lord alone Who should hold that place. We men are broken vessels, and we’re not meant to be worshipped. The searing pain of betrayal can break many women loose from this unhealthy dependency and turn their hearts in a fresh new way to the Living God.
Although we've focused on recovering from the physical act of adultery, those marriages that are affected by a husband’s porn addiction often have the same struggles. Masturbation with porn is adultery. The pain and rejection women experience from their husband’s porn addiction is just as real and can go just as deep as if he had committed the physical act.
In the rebuilding process a new, truer marriage is often built to replace the old one, which was often marked by emotional imbalances. When a marriage is torn apart and built up again from the ground up, the exposure of faults and weaknesses that were hidden before can foster deeper communication that didn’t exist before, binding the couple together in new and wonderful ways. There is hope; as the Lord has been setting men free from sins of all kinds since the beginning of time, so has He brought many marriages back from the dead. I’ve been privileged to see some of His work, both in my marriage and in the marriage of others. I can tell you from experience that a couple who have made it through adultery can have a stronger marriage than those who’ve never been tested by the fires of betrayal.
©Copyright 2005 Mike Genung
All material in this website may be reprinted for personal, church or ministry use.
No reprints for commercial use without written permission.
Blazing Grace Ministries, Colorado Springs, CO 80920
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Husband's Porn Addiction
My husband is addicted to porn. He has been for a very long time. This turned into an affair two years ago. I found out by finding some things on the computer. He has broken my heart. I feel so much pain. I wish I could forgive as many times as he sins but he is so cold in every way possible. He is also a Minister. I think he should let people know so that they can help him but he could lose his job. I'm not sure our marriage will last much longer. He's suicidal so I'm not sure if, how or when to tell him it is over. It hurts so much.
contact Dr. Gboco for help
I was with this guy for three years and, we were in love. Everything was going fine until I started to find pictures and letters of other girls. He would tell me they were old but, I knew something was wrong so I broke up with him. Days later we were back together, I found a video of him a his ex having sex, he said it was old, we broke up again then we got back together for Valentines day we got tattoos of each others from Dr.(Gbocotemple@yahoo.com) and since we have been happily married with two kids thanks to Dr.Gboco
MY HUSBAND & WHORES, SO WHERE DO I FIT IN?
After 31 years of a happy marriage (or so I thought), 4 grown kids (2 daughters, 2 sons) who were doing well and 5 grandchildren. my husband started to be fixated and visiting whores. I couldn't believe this of my husband as he has always been a wonderful husband and I was the envy of every woman who met him. I believed I would be able to tell if he was lying, but guess what? I can't. Or he has developed the lying skill to perfection. I always told him that I was the most blessed woman to have him. Right up to 4 months ago I thought we had a strong, loving & supportive marriage. Everyone looking in from the outside, & especially to me, would think we had just about everything. More importantly, we were looking forward to even better things to come.
But money had become very tight and when I started to find out why I discovered a horrible secret life. A very expensive secret life. Thousands of phone calls and texting so that we had to buy a more expensive phone plan, internet sites for porn and dating sites for people who wanted to cheat on their spouses. All of this led to him going to whores and for very expensive "massages" that thinly masqueraded the true nature of what was happening. These trips to whores are also expensive and he has drained a lot of money from our accounts. Money that could have been used to do more exciting things for the 2 of us if excitement was really what he was after. What a sinful world we live in.
We are a Christian family, in fact he has a degree in Christian Education which I guess he has forgotten. This started 5 years ago when I went through late stage breast cancer. I had a radical mastectomy January 1997, at the time he said all the right things like he would rather have me well than have a perfect body, or that I was still the most beautiful woman in the world. What he said and what he did were very different. Obviously the mastectomy did bother him so I had reconstructive surgery but he began looking at porn on the internet and later to contact some of them. During the chemo and radiation treatments he somehow expected me to still center my life around him. I always had but now was extremely tired and sick and couldn't do things. This didn't bother him because he just went and did things without me. I have been cancer free for 5 years now which means that I am pretty much cured. So I survived but our marriage is damaged forever. I think I would have rather died this would have looked a lot better from Heaven. He used it as an excuse to do things that he never had done before. Talk about being narcissistic!!!!!
He has said that this started 2 1/2-3 years ago because he realize that he was getting older and having to take Viagra to do what he used to be able to do naturally. This to me is showing intent he didn't just become tempted momentarily, he had to plan the event. He also had placed an ad on dating sites, some of which are specifically for married people to find someone to cheat with. I never would have dreamed that these sites existed but there are hundreds of them. I am really getting tired of his excuses that this just happened accidentally. all of this was absolutely and carefully planned.
I want to learn to forgive and he doesn't want to lose his family or me, who he says he loves very much. Of course he also he also says the tired old saying of its not you its me. As you can probably see I am devastated by all of this. Now that I know what he has been involved in I keep discovering new horrible things he has been into. We started marriage counseling at his suggestion, which was going very well. I was greatly encouraged and feeling better when just last week I found out about yet another whore that he had been seeing. He has also continued to make thousands of phone calls and text messages to her which I consider an ongoing emotional affair along with the physical affair. So what is the point of marriage counseling if he thinks that he can continue with the same things?
I am a firm believer that even the most committed person can be tempted so if you want a relationship to work you do not put yourself out there in temptations way. Everyone meets people that they could be attracted to. it's a choice to not act on the impulse. I have been reading Romans chapter 3 while the whole chapter is fantastic for what we are going through I keep reminding myself of verse 23 -24. 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. There is still some hope but only through the love of Christ.
I can't get over it....
My husband too has cheated many times....but this last time for some reason was much different....I have never felt such hurt and betrayal...I just feel like I'm literally dying...from a broken heart. We have been married for a very long time, and each time he cheated, it took some time but I always got over it....this time I can't...it's been well over a year and I feel worse than what I did when I orginally found out.
How can he profess such great love for me and yet stab me in the heart the way he has...I don't trust him, about anything anymore...In all honesty I don't think he's sincerely sorry, I think he's just sorry he got caught not for his actions....
I'm ready to call it quits...I just don't know what to do
Did i cause my wife to cheat? Was this my fault?
Hello, everyone? I really need help in my marriage and need some opinions and advice. I was married at age 26 and my wife 25 but i love her deeply. I had a bad addiction to pornography and then i started to neglect my wife to the point that she felt to get the attention elsewhere. We were married a little over 2 years. This is where it all began. Can i get some advice,please. thank you
Here we go again...
I've been married 12 years. On Valentines Day in 2005, I discovered my husband having an online relationship. After much arguing amd pressure, he admitted to a slew of sexual sin including porn, chat rooms, and sex with people he met online. We've spent years rebuilding our relationship and now he's working on his Masters of Divinity to be a Chaplain. Yesterday he confessed that he has fallen back into the trap. Flirting/texting with women he meets, and having a sexual relationship with a woman from our church AND my best friend. Needless to say, I am crushed. I can't believe we're going through this again. Reading the articles on this website today have helped me get my mind back into focus to working on our marriage rather than settling for divorce. He says he's sorry, that he wants only me, and that we can work this out. Do I want to? I don't want to find myself in this same position again in another six years. But, I firmly believe that through the grace of God, forgiveness and restoration can be found. Thanks for your work on this website.
WIFE and Christian Counterfiet BETRAYAL
Help me pleassssse, I am dying!!!!!!! I don’t know where to start but I am counting on Our Lord Jesus Christ to save me and help me. I am married to a very beautiful wife. Our 2nd wedding anniversary just passed last week. We are both Christians and I believe in God so much that I always try to obey His Word.
One of our married church members came and asked me to accommodate him for a time so that he could save money as our church is sending him to be part of his wife on a missions trip in another country. I glady offered this guy a room in my house, fed him, gave him everything he needed to be comfortable and I did not charge him a penny.
Since I got married to my wife, we have been having great difficulties in our marriage.Taught every marriage go through these. Sometimes we can go on not talking for 2 weeks. All this while I thought this demon possessed guy was a brother to me, not knowing he was digging a hole to sleep in with my wife. I am so sad. His plans came to light and he had sex with my wife. I found out just last couple of weeks after 2 months he left and my wife gave me all the details about the affair. I am so much in pain, I can’t do anything in my life. I am being tormented everyday about the thoughts of this and I don’t know what to do. This demon guy is now with his wife in the mission field in other country.
I feel like I failed God as I saw all this in a dream but I did not take any action to toss this guy from my house. Now the harm has been done. My wife has been begging me to forgive her and give her a second chance but I don’t really know what to do. I feel so much pain in my heart and the betrayal is too much for me. Please help me, what should I do? Is this a test from God?
Please help me…I am dying in pain.
i miss her
i havent seen my wife or new born baby in over 3 months now. i miss them everyday and my heart hurts knowing the pain i caused in downloading and viewing the child pornography ive been charged with possessing.
my commmitment is now trying to regain her trust so that we can reconcile in time. i wont give up on her. she means too much to me to do so.
almost a month ago, i found
almost a month ago, i found that my husband of almost 20 years is having an on-line affair which became physical when he visited her twice (the other woman lives in europe). it broke my heart and now i'm confused which way to turn to. now i feel like i'm in a roller coaster ride. one minute i'm calm, then one minute i feel like my heart wants to explode. since i found about the affair, i started going to christian church and it somehow gave me peace. but every time i think of my husband's infidelity, it always makes me feel like i want to give up and just let him go. he admitted to me that he is in love with this woman and he is willing to move out of the house and rent a room someplace coz he said it hurts him too every time he sees me crying. he also said that he still loves me just not the same as the other woman. a part of me wants to let him leave but i'm afraid that if i let him move out, he will really end up leaving me and my 4 children for good. the other part of me wants to keep him with us at home because i firmly believe that God does not intend for a marriage to be broken. i love my husband so much and i believe that he still has faith in God somehow. he just needs the right people to talk to and help him open his eyes and his heart. i believe my husband just got influenced by wrong group of people who did nothing on line but to talk nonsense over the internet for long hours. i know coz i see their conversations. every time i start talking to him about God's law about marriage, he keeps telling me that his affair is already known to God before time and that it is meant to happen. i said yes but that does not mean it is His doing but the devil's and that God gave us a choice to choose right or wrong. i don't want to lose my husband that even though he has done all this to me, i forgave him and still want to stay married to him. i pray in Jesus Christ name that my husband will have the urge to call upon our His name, repent and turn away from his sins. i'm also praying for the other woman. may she realize that falling in love and choosing to carry on an affair with another wife's husband is not going to do her any good. may they both see that what they are doing is not at all pleasing in God's eyes. please help me pray for my husband to come to his senses and find his way back to our Father Almighty so that we can work on the full restoration of our marriage. i will also pray for all the spouses who are struggling and going through the same trials as i do with my husband. i thank you Lord Jesus Christ that i found my way back to you. i pray that all those who are lost right now will also have faith back to you. i praise your Holy Name. in Jesus i pray, Amen.
Ready for him to come back?
My husabnd and I have been split up for a month and now I can honestly say that I miss him and I am ready for Him to come home? ven though He moved in with his mistress , I want my husabnd back besidewe were together for 22 1/2 years and 2 children .I have prayed and have tried to move on, needless to say his co-workers says that he have alot on his mind......wonder if it is u He has been looking sad the times I have saw him. wonder if we need more time or is He ready and just being stubborn!
Need to know Cause I'm missing MY HUSBAND
Ready for him to come back?
My husabnd and I have been split up for a month and now I can honestly say that I miss him and I am ready for Him to come home? ven though He moved in with his mistress , I want my husabnd back besidewe were together for 22 1/2 years and 2 children .I have prayed and have tried to move on, needless to say his co-workers says that he have alot on his mind......wonder if it is u He has been looking sad the times I have saw him. wonder if we need more time or is He ready and just being stubborn!
Need to know Cause I'm missing MY HUSBAND
why would he want my children to meet the mistress?
I have already posted something about my cheating Husband on here.It was Brought to my attention by our son that my Husband told him ,he wanted our son to meet the other woman......Now how am I suppose to feel now, I am praying for my marriage to be restored , now I don't know I wonder if it is because I am mad or what?
Husband left for on-line lover
after being married for 22 1/2yrs. ,2 oyung adult children my husband has been having an affai with a woman he met in Dec.'2010 and has moved in with her I am asking for rconcilation....wnating him to get saved also asking God to touch the other woman!
Your pain is my pain
My heart breaks with all of you in this heart wrenching time! My husband has been involved in lust, porn and self gratification for a long time. Every day sometimes multiple times a day! He has had some emotional affairs. He denies any physical affairs but I don't believe him.
I have been searching for something to help me heal. I know God and time are the first two things needed to heal! This site has helped a lot! I would also recommend "Every Heart Restored" by Fred and Brenda Stoeker. I really wanted something that didn't include "restoring your marriage" advice. Due to the fact that my husband doesn't appear to be committed 100% to change. I feel like he is lying to me still and I know he's been keeping stuff from me. I have tried to work on rebuilding our marriage but would feel like I started at square one every few days because of his behavior! This book does talk about the husband with the goal of restoring the marriage but there is a much bigger infuses on our healing than on restoring the marriage. Which is what I need! I can't even think about restoring a marriage when I'm so deeply hurt and am unsure where he truly is committed to God, me, our marriage and our children. If your husband won't fess up/commit to change than pray that God would lead the two of you to whomever you need to help you. You should pray for someone for you to talk to even if he is working through this. I know a couple who has been working through this for 2 years and the wife still has a great deal of bitterness. I don't think she was able to talk to anyone. So I really feel she hasn't been able to heal properly.
When both myself and my husband are ready then I'll start "A United Front" over again. This one seemed to be good to but was focused on healing for the wife and rebuilding right away. With my situation I wasn't about to start there. Here's the web site. www(dot)settingcaptivesfree(dot)com/courses/united-front
Please know you're not alone and when I pray for my husband, my children, and myself I'm praying for your husband, your children (if you have any), and you as well!
Heavenly Father, please over flow us with your love, mercy, grace and peace this day and all the days of our lives! Give us strength to do your will always! Thank you that all things hidden have been reveled, not just in our husbands but also in our children and ourselves! Please give us everything we need to be obedient to you in all things. Thank you God, for our children, friends, family, our homes, ourselves, this website, and those like it but most important thank you for our husbands and for Jesus who is a perfect example to us! In Jesus name, Amen.
fighting bitterness...
My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 7. We have 5 sons, 2 of whom are from my 1st marriage ( this is the 2nd marriage for both of us). We are currently in counseling because of his porn addiction and adultery. Back in Feb. of this year I had a feeling something was going on...he'd be on the computer at odd hours, the history would be deleted...when he left for work one night I started snooping and found out that he had a secret email address and had been corresponding with a woman and basically having email sex. Because the emails I found were copies sent from his secret Facebook account (and he'd already deleted his FB emails) I only saw her comments but they were extremely sexually graphic and talked about things they'd done and hoe she was looking forward to more sexual encounters...she also called him baby, honey, etc. and told him how much she missed him. He denied any kind of physical affair and still does to this day. He says it was all a stupid game and nothing physically ever happened. I'd like to believe that but I don't. And even so, it's STILL CHEATING. I can't get her words out of my head. I called her that night and screamed at her and threatened her, told her never to contact him again and told him the same. Supposedly there has been no contact since. I have o reason to believe otherwise...yet I don't. Then 2 months ago I had a funny feeling about checking the computer again...long story short I found out that my husband had been frequenting porn sites, watching videos, etc. I was so completely sickened and disgusted. It was like, for real??? He said he has wanted to tell me for a long time and was afraid of my reaction. What, like I'm NOT supposed to feel even MORE insecure than he's already made me??? I put a keylogger and filter on the computer that day. As far as I know he hasn't viewed any porn since. But apparently he has a problem with lust and has a hard time not looking at every woman he sees. I can tell you I will never go to the beach or a waterpark with him again! How can I bear it knowing he is fighting lusting for others? I just don't have the body of a perky young woman anymore. I'm 33!!! I've had 5 kids!!! I feel like I'll never be good enough! I love him...and I hate him. The counselor says I need to forgive him...how do I do that? I pray for the desire to forgive...it's not there. I just want to get over this. I want to trust him. I believe he loves me...but I believe he's a liar that would deceive me again and again. I feel so lost and alone...
Addicted
I don't know how long this post has been up, but adultry and its effects will continue as long as there is sin in the world.
I too had a marriage destroyed by adultry. I don't care what anyone says....adultry includes porn and online relationships. These two scernios involves someone pulling away from another that they committed their life to and using something else to replace it.
I am just 6 months out from being divorced and even though it should be getting better....I am facing the biggest challenge in my life. I am trying very hard to move forward and leave the lies and betrayal behind. For some reason, the ball and chain are still behind me. My children are grossly affected by all of this while my ex-husband has taken them on vacations with the other woman and her children. He includes her and her children on my kids visitations. They somehow get throught he visitation and then come home and tell me all the details.
Someone told me this and I find it somewhat helps relieve some pain. I was told to visualize I am on the top of a bridge with a bungee cord hooked to my ankles. The divorce/affair pushed me off the bridge emotionally. Everything I knew to be true was false. I mean everything!
Now, my job is to find peace while I am plunging toward the ground. As I was reminded...God is my bungee cord. He is with me and will prevent me from crashing. He is the hope that when the fall is over, I am held tightly and secure. God will reel me in and again I will stand on the bridge looking down at my past life - always remembering the fall, but not destroyed by it. In the meantime, I have to realize the ground is a long way away and the fall may take time. But someday I will stand again above it all. I pray everyday that God gives me peace because some days I can't find it. Cry if you need to cry....yell if you need to yell...and get made if you need too.... Get it out in the open so you can see it, reflect upon it, and change it. Keeping the hurt inside and pretending you're OK will not help heal your brokenness.
I feel so sad for anyone who has to go through this. It is difficult and the fall is not fun. Learn what you can, rediscover yourself, and trust in God. Time will heal all wounds - but it takes patience.
Husband Caught, but I'm Defeated
My husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and I have always tried to be at his side through the troubled times we've been through, even though he is often the perpetrator. I have gone from being independent,outgoing and upbeat to an uptight, easily angered and often isolated person in the time since he started his addictive and hurtful behavior. I have confronted him about the behavior when I have seen it or been a party to it, but in return, he has denied any wrongdoing, blamed me for his lustful behavior, and even gone so far as to tell me I have cheated on him. I was given an ultimatum at 6 months pregnant that if I did not have a threesome with him, he woulod leave me. Because of how alone I felt, and the fact that his family is told by him that I am crazy and violent, I thought I had no choice. Now that our son is here, and we sought Biblical Counseling, he is insistent that I need to be on medications, because I am crazy. Because I don't feel utterly irresistible, and because I am easily upset when he goes online looking at women and posting personal ads, I am (hurtful names here) and I should go to hell or have a heart attack. I had no choice but to go the police today, and even then, I felt like I failed him. I want more than anything to do what I promised to him and God- Stick with him through better or worse, but I am afraid that if he won't see it, he will stop at nothing to destroy all that he loves, including me. And the worst part, he doesn't realize that our son is going to see his lustful behavior as much as my yelling. I don't want my son to grow up around that, and it feels like all hope is lost.
God never intended his
God never intended his children to live that way. God gives certian okays for divorce. You should not live that way, nor your child! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go to a respected preacher and tell him what is going on and let him give you some guidance.
Just found out
I am 8 months pregnant. My husband told me today that he had sex with a prostitute while we were engaged, had multiple online sex chat over the last 4 years. Kissed someone. Tried to have sex with a co-worker as recently as a 2 months ago.
He recognises that he has a problem with porn, but will only admit things when he has no choice.
My marriage is most likely over. I just want to say, to my husband thank you for 4 years of faithfulness you gave me before we got "committed". It was special and completely mine. I am sorry I didn't get to say good bye to the boy I knew, but now is perhaps the right time. I will love you always. I felt loved and cherished. You were the best thing that happended to me at that point. Im sad, that you have made choices that in the end broke your own heart as it did mine. I hope you can find healing, to be a good dad. But as for me...your life, is not my tragedy.
I will always love you. Keep safe and don't forget your meds okay...
Hugs
Me
Husband addicted to porn
My sexual relationship with my husband has been in a drought for 2 years. I watched an episode on TV and immediately made a connection with what another couple is going through. Her husband has sexual anorexia. Although my husband has a lot of the signs. He does pleasure himself everyday anywhere from 3 to 8 times a day by watching porn. on the computer on discs or on the TV. I had expressed to him a year and a half ago before we were married that our lack of intimacy was making me feel rejected, alone, and my self-esteem was taking a beating. He used several excuses, for example: he is stressed (but still continues to pleasure himself) he doesn't like sex (but still continues to pleasure himself), he would like me to lose 20 or 60lbs, or get larger breasts because he is a breast man, he doesn't like to initiate because i may not be in the mood. etc... The list is never ending. As well he drinks heavily and to me the smell of booze on him is a turn .off. It makes me feel that he has to drink to be intimate at all with me. It wasn't always like this. In the beginning of our relationship we had a hot sex life. About 2 years ago i stopped working out and he would always cook high calorie meals. I was no longer in control of my health or wellbeing. To add to all this I gained 30lbs and he restricts me mentally to when i come and go. He does not help at all with any of the housework around the house and it is just the two of us at home and 3 dogs. He doesn't clean up the back yard. I do everything and am tired every day. I have some physical issues that need surgery this year, but put it off in case he wanted a child. I am depressed and lonely inside, but value my physical self considerably and would never entertain the thought of being with another man EVER! I just want to have a healthy sex life with my husband. Not only that he dominates the household space with everything that belongs to him. For example a bought a new music disc and left it in our computer. He came home and it disappeared. Still can't find it. When i buy healthy food for myself, it gets shoved to the back of the fridge. He cooks so much and doesn't help clean up after the kitchen needs constant attention before i can ever make a healthy meal for myself. It is to the point where i am completely debilitated in our home. HELP! PLEASE! Where do i begin to rehabilitate my life?
Again
So 2 years back my husband and I dealt with porography addication. It was hard but we made it through it. Our relationship has been wonderful ever since except this last month. I found out that within the last month my husband has been going to craiglist alot and ended up actually meting with a couple that wanted him to viedo tape them having sex. I have confirmed that nothing else happened. I feel really betrayed again. Everything was going so good and don't know what to do. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Few great years and then my world comes crashing down on me again? Has anonye gone through a relapse and stuck in there? Please offer some insight. Thank you
Again
I am where you are. 4 years ago I found porn pages my husbsnd had been viewing on the computer. I thought we were the ideal perfect couple. I was confident that he would never cheat on me. Surprise! He promised it would never happen again. I hid my pain from him for the most part, crying in privacy to the point of exaustion. I believed his promises and trust returned to our marriage after about a year. Two weeks ago I caught him upstairs on the computer viewing porn. Sorry, I just got stabbed in the stomach and find it very hard to talk about right now. Can you email me and we can share our pain and hopes for a better tomorrow. Dispite all the sites telling us to find someone to talk to, it is not easy.
again...
I'm in your shoes. My husband has struggled with pornography before I knew him. I never thought my marriage would be like this. His addiction became a huge issue in our marriage last year while I was pregnant, to the point where we didn't have sex for 8 months! We got rid of the internet and the computer and he was meeting with an elder once a week. Silly me began to trust him again and we got data plans on our phones. Leap of Faith....and of course its come up now more than once. I'm at a loss of what to say, what to think, what to do. Our son is 6 months old, is separation the only answer? I'm tired of getting hurt over and over again. I feel so alone and have no one to talk to.
Again
So 2 years back my husband and I dealt with porography addication. It was hard but we made it through it. Our relationship has been wonderful ever since except this last month. I found out that within the last month my husband has been going to craiglist alot and ended up actually meting with a couple that wanted him to viedo tape them having sex. I have confirmed that nothing else happened. I feel really betrayed again. Everything was going so good and don't know what to do. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Few great years and then my world comes crashing down on me again? Has anonye gone through a relapse and stuck in there? Please offer some insight. Thank you
He gave me a STD
I am so torn and my heart feels like its been ripped out of my body. I have been married to my husband for 11 months. I found out on Friday I have a STD. I confronted him about it and of course he denies it. He said that he must have had it before we got married. The problem is I had my yearly exam a month prior to our marriage and everything was ok. I have three children from a previous relationship and they love my husband to death. I have been in bed since I found out on Friday. Other than praying I don't know what else to do. I feel like I am in a bubble. He is walking around on egg shell. We are being cordial but have not talked about it anymore. I am so numb. I just do not know what to do anymore. I thought that we had a wonderful marriage and that we were on the same accord. I feel so alone right now. Other than God I have no one to talk to.
Oh my God. I am so sorry for
Oh my God. I am so sorry for you. I did the same thing to my ex-wife. There was a period when she was really trying to hang in there for both of us as I am sure you are doing/did. I can tell you that when I went to the doctor with her and saw here laying there all of my insides were exposed to the point of me actually having to leave the examination room. The doctor commented to me that it puts a different light on some actions doesn't it? I could only cry. You have a very long road to travel and there are no real answers anyone can give you. Some of you friends will say leave him others will stay I will say which ever decision you make you will be better for it.
I will also tell you that you didn't do anything wrong. It was completely on him and he has to seek the help for himself. He will probably want to know where you will be during his journey, but the real answer is that you will be on your own journey.
I wanted show support her all the way but little did I know the journey with myself was going to reveal so very dark and nasty things. If you stay, you will here things that aren't very pretty and some will hurt you where you least expect it.
It is so unfortunate that this side of story is never heard but a part of my journey is to let it be know.
So first take care of yourself, your family and finally look in on your husband.
Finally, if you feel God's not there let me assure you that He's there. He's simply moved His hand's a bit further away to allow you to walk on a wider road of His grace.
Take Care
Lean on God
I have been married for 15 years, I went to my obgyn and found out I had an std. I was shocked! When I got home and told him what I found out, he confessed he had an affair. I have almost felt like none of this is real.... this is not my life.... we are good people and this is just not happening! But it is. We have 2 small kids together so we are working on saving our marriage. It has been a very hard road but with Gods help we are making it. I suggest talking to him more until he confesses because that would help your healing. Until he's ready to be honest, you'll never be able to start building the trust back.
Dear sister
I know how you feel My husband cheated on me with a loose women from a bar that knew he was married and had 2 kids she was a big girl like 250 lbs I was crushed he took her to my dads sail boat and had sex with her then road the bus with her to portland oregon and hoked his wedding band for 200.00 to buy meth he used her to get what he wanted I have forgivin him but its still hard part of me wants to crawl in a little Ball. i will have to go in for a std check because I want to make shure i am ok it really makes me sad the lord says we are to forgive and my heart cried out every ounce I had i gave to god tears poured from my face i feel so alone so i know how you feel maybe we can write back and forth and pray for each others marriages in hopes of healing i know time heals all wounds but it still hurts
Deanna
How do I trust again
I found out recently that my husband had spent most of our twenty three years together messing about with several women that ranged from my personal friends to women that he worked with. I have found out that during our time together he has been involved with at 9 other women. The full extent of his cheating only came to light because one of his friends was having an affair, this guys wife found a message from the other women on his mobile phone, he rang my husband early one morning to persuade him to cover for him. One morning after this revelation I found an old mobile phone sat on my husbands lunch box ready for him to take to work with him that morning, I asked who the phone was for, he replied for his friend so he could carry on his affair with the other women. I was horrified that my husband was helping him to keep the affair alive.
As A result I started checking my husbands phone periodically one night I found a picture of one of my friends with no underwear on his phone, he blamed her for sending the photo due to problems she was having with her spouse, he cried and begged to be forgiven declaring he would never do anything to hurt me and I decided to reluctantly believe his story.
Just four months later I noted his email address logged on to his email and found flirty emails from a second women I did not know, he swore blind it was just silly flirting that had got out of hand with an old work collegue it turned out that he had been having an on - off relationship with this person for fourteen years. As a result I made him take me to his office so I could look at his emails, I found two other females he was emailing in much the same way. I contacted one of the women involved, she told me there was others and one lady from the office had also had the great delight in broadcasting that my husband had brought her back to my house for sex whilst I worked night duty.
He never came clean about any of the affairs I had to contact the women involved to find out the details. I also found porographic calendars on his walls and even his screen saver at work was porographic he also has down loaded porn onto his works computer.
My big problem is I never knew, he was the perfect husband at home and we had a good sex life throughout. We didn't argue a lot and we have always done things together. I had always kept my self in shape and he was always very complimentary towards me.
I just kept finding more and more stuff out about his other life, I never suspected a thing and everyone was shocked. Some of my friends will not even acknowledge him one year on. I always belived he was special and I was so proud of him.
This last year has been the most trumatic of my life, ten years ago my husband had a bad accident that nearly killed him, as a result he lost the use of one of his arms. I was always there for him and I believed we had a strong marriage. But I never knew or suspected anything he never went out alone and all of these affairs centered around his employment. He worked long hours and I would oftern complain to his bosses in humour that they were working him too hard. I feel so humiliated because they all must have known how he was carrying on at work, he even got me to send these girls Christmas cards and they sat with us at the works events.
He has told me he will never do anything like this again and I am the most important person in his life but he said the same thing when I found out about my friend sending him photos. He cried he would never do anything to risk our relationship again but carried on seeing these other women. I asked why he didn't stop when I made the first discovery he could only offer he thought he could get away with it because I would never find out. He has stated that he doesn't know why he has done any of it but he does know all he wants is me, we even went to relate he told them the same things. He told me he hated who he had become and it was all pointless, he eve declared he didn't enjoy the sex with these other women, I asked why did he keep doing it then. I didn't get a reply. One year on and the wounds torture me, I have asked him to leave so I can have time to come to terms with the true extent of his other life but he refuses and just takes my rages. I spend most of my time sleeping alone I can't sleep in the marital bed the images of these other women in our space kills me. Nobody thinks I should stay with him, every one thinks I would be a fool based on the circumstances, how can somebody say all they want, is to be with you but spend all their married years messing about with other people. I don't understand or recognise him and it is getting harder to cope with my reality.
My biggest problem is I want what I had! but that was based on lies. So infact I will never be able to have that, because it wasn't real. I never knew so how would I know if he was still doing these things and why didn't he stop when I found out about my friend. Even the family doctor was horrified he didn't even use protection and then slept with me throughout and believe me these girls came from very different lifestyles to our own.
How do I forgive and trust someone like that, when I don't even recognise him I thought he shared the same values and beliefs I did. But he didn't he stated he carried on quite simply because he thought he could get away with it.
Hi, I was wondering if you
Hi, I was wondering if you had any responses to your email from anyone?
Did you manage to salvage your marriage?
The reason I ask is I have been married for the last 18 years and like your husband I have had multiple affairs over the last 6 years. The last affair finished over 12 months ago and I have been faithfull ever since She caught my with the first 2 a few years agao and gave me a second chance. I almost got caught late last year but lied my way out of it and then finally got caught this year as she caught me looking at porn, strip clubs and on a chat site.
I have started to seek a lot of help because of my past, which included being adopted, my adoptive parents dieing in my teen years, I was sexually abused by my next door neighbour between the ages of 10 - 13 and my wife was my first real relationship. I wasn't upfront with her about my past and in fact on our wedding night revealed my sexual abuse to her then.
I have sought a lot of help to address my childhood problems, which were diagnosed as a major cause for my infiedlity through Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
We have been separated only three months and it has been a hard three months for both of us for different reasons. I have also been dealing with counselling etc. for my childhood problems and OCD. I never got any help for my problems until after we separated, I thought I could handle everything...but I couldn't. I can now though with all the help and support I'm getting.
I'm trying to get her to consider re-building a new marriage and come to me to get help for her to deal with it. She is very cynical about this and doesn;t believe counselling will help because it didn't in the past. And it didn't in the past because I didn't get help for my problems, which were the cause, but now I am getting help.
Have you been able to get help successfully? The reason I'm asking you is that you experienced a simialr situation as my wife has experienced.
I am desparately trying to save my marriage and family as we also have 3 children 15, 13 and 3.
Any help or advice or contacts you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You Wayne Sydney Australia
i am struggling in similar
i am struggling in similar ways to everyone else. my husband viewed porn for about the first year of our relationship (while we were dating). he also commented lewdly to me about other women including his own neice. i felt like if i told him tp stop, he'd think i was controlling, so i kept silent. i hate myself for this and sometimes wish i'd have never married him. i finally told him how it made me feel, and eventually he stopped. we've now been married for a year and a half, but the issue now is that when i have 'bad'days and want to talk, he no longer comforts me, hangs his head, aplogizes or anything...he says that god has forgiven him and lifted his burden and i need to 'get over it'. i am glad that he has peace with god and himself, but i still need his patience and understanding. he used to tell me that he'd be willing to spend the rest of his days being sorry. he used to worry that i'd leave him, now i think he'd be okay with it. he tells me all the time that he'll leave if that's all that would heal me, but that just makes me feel twice as betrayed. he told me that our relationship needs to work because of the money he has invested in our home. i told him i had many more tears invested than he had money. he clammed up like he got mad. the response i wanted was his arms around me.
betrayer and betrayed
I will be completely honest here and it is hard. I met my wife 6 yrs ago and I had a history with porn, crossdressing and masturbation. I am not homosexual and have never been attracted physically to another man. I had extreme psychological issues concerning insecurities about my masculinity and manhood since i was a boy. I reached puberty barely as a sophomore in HS and hated being the only boy in the showers at school without hair on his privates. the comments from other boys. The being thrown on the ground violently during football practice because i was skinny and small and being told " your too f...ing small" led me to begin wearing my sisters underwear in secret from the age of 15. This led to porn addiction (hetero). I destroyed one marriage and she divorced me in 2001. Then i met my second wife. She was strong personalitied, highly sexy, and passionately and sexually agressive. She fell madly for me and made me feel like a man like no woman ever had. My behavior began to disappear. It was a long time and I thought i was free. She had problems of her own however, heavy pot smoking, alcohol and prescription pills. She had been with many men sexually, been a club partier in Las Vegas, NV where we lived. She simply would not stop talking and texting with old male associations. even boyfriends and lovers. I begged her to stop. She just started lying and hiding it from me, spending time alone in cars smoking pot and drinking with other men. Of course, she said no sex was happening. Of course, I eventually found out otherwise. I slowly began to feel worthless and weak again, and slipped gradually back into crossdressing and porn to alleviate anxiety and insecurity. this has gone on for years. Me living with her addictions, and turning to my own, knowing she was hiding huge secrets from me. Just recently, she went on a drunken, pot and pill-induced sexual romp with two different men in a months time, several times each. I am absolutely destroyed and i feel as if my manhood has been ripped out of me, but since she has moved out, my own behavior has stopped. I am just now lonely, rejected, humiliated and crushed beyond words. She keeps telling me it was my behavior that caused her to do it. But I know it wasnt even close to being all me. She has serious man attention issues and is a chronic flirt and liar. I jsut dont want to try it anymore. . the images of these men enjoying my wife's body multiple times is too much, and i cant take it. she is now coming around, saying she loves me and misses me so much. we have a little 2 yr old girl together. My "wife" is still in contact with both lovers. I am done with it. . . .
my husband left me for another wife and wedded her too.
Seven years a go, I married a man who had pretended to be a christian only to discover that he only did it to win me to himself. Well, he succeeded and won my love and we got married in the church too on 22nd of February 2004. But hardly a month after our wedding, he started behaving awkwardly. He kept on avoiding me, stopped going to church and kept on pulling down spiritually as he wanted me to always escort him on some functions which to me contradicted our faith and on a day meant for worship. In addition to that, one year later, I found out that he had been cheating on me and with my niece as he is mistress, after I found out he couldn't admit to it and he continued with his irresponsible character. Later on in 2006, he found himself a wife through the Internet from our neighboring country and they tied a knot in may 2009 before even dissolving our marriage or even indicating that he wanted to dissolve it. After that, I and my kids have been going through stressful situations ranging from inefficient material and emotional. What should I do? I still love him.
WOW
really Informative WIKI
Is looking for an affair as bad as actually having one?
My husband did not cheat one me, but after only 4 months of marriage I knew something was wrong when he was looking at porn more and more, and becoming very secretive. He admitted he had a problem with porn. After a while of working on that issue, and me finding more than just porn on his computer (ie. dating sites, craigslist personal ads, etc.) he admitted to me that he had been looking for an affair, had even posted a few ads of his own, but hadn't followed through. He has since deleted his account on the computer, his secret email address, and his posts on dating sites. I still feel as if he cheated on me. Is it the same? Do I have a right to be this upset with him? I feel exactly like all of these articles describe. I'm so angry, but he didn't act on it and now he's working to fix our marriage and communication issues as much as I am. So why am I still so angry?
I know what you're going through...I'm there right now
First, let me say that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
You feel as though your husband has cheated; This is because he has. He's not only been disrespecting you and your self worth by watching porn, but has been actively seeking out people to commit adultery with. That you caught him before his intentions could come to fruition still can't erase the facts. If you hadn't caught him, he would have eventually commited physical adultery.
Your husband was willing to spit on your relationship, go behind your back, and have an affair; so it's perfectly fine to be upset with him.
You caught him; thats the only reason he didn't go through with it.
what are you there for?
Please read your second to last sentence again. Jesus died so we could have another chance at life, at love, to be entered into the gates of heaven one day. No man or woman for that matter is perfect. I am sorry for your pain. I was addicted to porn. I unlike your husband was not forthcoming about it. I did not cheat nor did I ever look to cheat but the damage was just the same. I am losing my wife. Had I not been doing what I did, maybe I could have done something about it. POrn addiction is real. It totally takes your mind and spirit away from reality while sending you into a seriously depressed, and lonely state of being. If you love him and he is working at it. Support him. The last thing he needs is an enemy in his own house. If hes not will to change, then leave him. Thats love too.
my husband of 21 years 3 ladies 5 affairs
My husband of 21 years admitted that he had had an affair. At first he lied and said it was the year before we got married(we lived together) and was with an ex. Then the next day he said it was in 88, 89, 90, 91 all with his ex(who died in a car accident about 3 years ago). I knew in my spirit he wasn't telling me the truth(by the way I got saved in 91 and he did in 92). The Lord led me to write Psalm 51 on paper and post on fridge. I did and later that day our pastor called and said He(my husb,)had something to share. He admitted to having an affair in 95 when our sweet daughter was only 4 weeks old and then again in 1 month when I went out of town totally trusting him this was with a co-worker and he used money to buy beer and a hotel.He was a "saved"man. Then in 97 his ex called to ask if he would see her new apt., which somehow led to sex! then in 99 he had another co-worker give him oral sex at hew work(he works for parks and had to go to her) not once, but twice while I was carrying our third child who was born with mult. handicaps! He even took position of Deacon about 3 years ago. I am devasted! I can't quit crying, I have been put on meds for anxiety and depression. I have cussed like I never have before, I want to cause him such pain. I feel as if I have lost my relationship with God, since the man is to love us like the Lord...I don't see how I can get past the hurt and anger..it's been 2 1/2 months and it stills feels brand new..I have been humiliated and if I take him back I will not be the same, humiliated by taking a guy like that who cheated 5 times with 3 women! I have phys. sick...bags under my eyes, I want to cheat just to show him how it feels but know I would be punished by God prob. more than he would.
Because of my unforgiveness
Because of my unforgiveness and anger to my husbands affair and addiction to porn I had a one night stand with a coworker and I was immediately sickened with what I had done, do not go down that road! I thought I could find comfort and I guess sercretly get back at him. Instead I immediately realized I was as bad as he was and all those years of being hurt and humiliated I now had done the same thing! I was ashamed and it took a very long time for me to even forgive myself. You only hurt yourself by repaying a wrong with a wrong. There is a reason God says sexual sin is so bad, it destroys your body, emotionally and physically! Turn to God to take away your pain, pray, pray, pray, and read the Bible! Through this and time you will heal!
I am sorry. I can not past
I am sorry. I can not past judgement on your husband. Gid is real and he loves all of us. Find strenght through scripture becuase the devil is real too and he attacks us often through our own family. You can love and leave though. Is he changed? only you can answer that honerstly. Make an honest decision and go with it. Lief is too short/
I am the betrayer
I am the betrayer in my marriage. My husband recently found out that I had a brief fling with one of his best friends ten years ago. He is gutted as am i as i thought it was in the past until someone went and told him. I was a coward at the time and couldn't tell him as I was so afraid of losing him. Now I think I may have lost him forever. He won't talk to me at the moment only being civil in front of the children. I love him to bits and my family and they are all I have lived for. If I lose them I don't know what I will do. He will not talk to me at the moment only to say that I couldn't have truely loved him to do that to him. The truth is I loved him dearly and still do but was just flattered and stupidly lead by another mans attention at the time. It was a terrible mistake and I have been riddled with guilt since it happened. I am at my wits in and the only one I can talk to now is our Lord, I pray all day that someday he may find it in his heart to forgive, trust and love me once again. For now I see no way out and am at my wits end. He is a brilliant father and husband and it's killing me to see what I have done to him. I know I brought it all on myself, all this hurt and pain is all down to me and I so deserve everything I get. Is there ever going to be light at the end of the tunnel for me......right now I don't see any. I'll just have to keep praying for now......... Please pray that my marriage can be saved that's all I ask the good Lord for.......
I am the betrayer
I am the betrayer in my marriage. My husband recently found out that I had a brief fling with one of his best friends ten years ago. He is gutted as am i as i thought it was in the past until someone went and told him. I was a coward at the time and couldn't tell him as I was so afraid of losing him. Now I think I may have lost him forever. He won't talk to me at the moment only being civil in front of the children. I love him to bits and my family and they are all I have lived for. If I lose them I don't know what I will do. He will not talk to me at the moment only to say that I couldn't have truely loved him to do that to him. The truth is I loved him dearly and still do but was just flattered and stupidly lead by another mans attention at the time. It was a terrible mistake and I have been riddled with guilt since it happened. I am at my wits in and the only one I can talk to now is our Lord, I pray all day that someday he may find it in his heart to forgive, trust and love me once again. For now I see no way out and am at my wits end. He is a brilliant father and husband and it's killing me to see what I have done to him. I know I brought it all on myself, all this hurt and pain is all down to me and I so deserve everything I get. Is there ever going to be light at the end of the tunnel for me......right now I don't see any. I'll just have to keep praying for now......... Please pray that my marriage can be saved that's all I ask the good Lord for.......
How do I start to feel whole again....
As have most of u whose comments I have read here I too am reeling in shock having just found out that my Husband of over 21 years was having an affair ...finding out quite unexpectingly about 2 months ago, when he got drunk while I was off with our daughter and Granddaughter hundreds of miles away for a pre-surgery checkup for our almost 3 yr old granddaughter and he blurted it all out to a family member of mine as she just bluntly asked him if he was sleeping with my 28 yr old Sons ex-girlfriend ...our 8 yr old Identical twin grandsons mother of whom I have raised these twins mostly since they were 3 months old. And he and her were making more plans to meet that day and on the surgery day of our Granddaughter which was 5 days later. Not only was this girl arrested for prostitution a few yrs ago but she was also warned by the DHS last yr not to be caught with the 45 yr old pimp that they caught her with in the motel or they would take custody of the black half brother to my grandsons who most likely was fathered by one of her johns. I am so hurt and do not know how to heal nor how to ever get what little confidence I had back......I feel ugly and nasty unloved and just totally betrayed. 4 yrs ago I had lost 100 pounds and he told even our daughter he didn't like it and wasn't attracted to me. and gradually over the past yr and ahalf I have now gained back almost 65 pounds. Now he has said he loves me and wants me to loose the weight again.....but I am feeling totally hopeless. This man I met in highschool we were sweethearts that my step-dad broke up for no reason way back in 1978 or 79......breaking up for almost 10 yrs and now married for over 22 yrs. How do I begin to start healing and to maybe put my life back togther somehow? Right now I am just "LOST". Blacksheep
Adultry
My husband committed adultry 5mths ago. I found out by adding the person on my facebook simply because i saw from his facebook that he was adding alot of women. Then he was shaving parts he never did before and going out late to all hours which he never did before. I started talking to the woman on facebook for hours we meet the next day and chatted about everything simply, because my husband told her we were separated for 1 yr when it was only 1 week. He betrayed both of us and we both were extremely angry and hurt about this so we confronted and he tried to deny some of it but he was stuck because he had both of us at face at the same time. Eventaully he walked out in shame because he sincerely didnt expect us both to confront him in front of a friend of his either were we did it.
I was pregnant at the time and he told me in front of her that i should abort the child. I was completely hurt due to his words and actions more so in front of the woman he just betrayed me with, i screamed and shouted at him stating this is a life were talking about part of him and i but he just wasnt willing to discuss. In addition to this i was the one phoning, texting, wanting to meet etc. You would have thought i had committed the adultry not him ok we are not of the same culture or nationality but that shouldnt make any difference were love and marriage is concerned. He also told me in front of the woman he still wanted to see her and not me. Her reply was no chance she was only there for my benefit and if i needed her and only if it ended in divorce she would be my witness.
I went to my see husband one day at his own business to talk and he wouldnt allow me in at all so we chatted outside on the street then words were said and i hit him and then he got me arressted i spent 20 minutes in a police cell breaking my heart wondering why he did this to someone he loved all because of my anger which my husband gave me in the first place. Yes you maybe thinking why on earth is this woman still seeing or talking to this man.
I believe this was because he got found out quicker than he thought he would because i found out a week into the his afair. He didnt like me asking questions or telling the truth to others either and unfortunately am as honest as they come. My moto is never do to others what you wouldnt like done to yourself.
When my husband came to tell me about his afair he was shocked that i already knew and could give information that he didnt think i would have known. I was willing to sit down and talk to him concerning the issue but when i got email from the woman on facebook and he saw it and what i replied he walked out because i told the woman the truth that we were still married and only separated for 1 week not one year which he told her.
Since then both my husband and i have tried numerous time to talk about thing but 90% of the time it turns into an arguement ok alot of things are being casted up which shouldnt be done.
Just as recently as the other night we meet and went for meal then chatted openly for the 1st time he actaully told me how his feelings and emotions were. And i told him about the hurt and my feelings and that i also miscarraged as well due to all the stress and tension. And we have agreed to stay separated for at least another month and try start from the beginning dating, going out, building up that trust again, having fun together the laughter the tears etc. We have also made arrangement to go away for our wedding anniversary just us two someway for afew days so we can spend time together without casting anything up and to try and get to know each other more openly and better than we did before.
I asked my husband how he felt after he openly told me how he felt i said to him dont you feel better now for saying what you said to me and expressing our feelings more openly and his reply was definately hopefully we can move on bit by bit day by day without nasty texts or conversations casting up etc.
We both admitted we were hurt,the anger, the stubborness, we both loved each other, we both wanted to work and save our marriage. I said to him if we didnt want to save our marriage after 5 mths being apart we would have split completely before now regardless of the anger and the hurt we both give each other more him than me due to his actions.
I said to him there is something keeping us together and that something is called LOVE. And that we have both examined our feelings, our anger, our hurt and now both need to try and move on we have spoke about things we like and gave ourselves something to aim towards for the next month we remain separated then we are going to make our final decision if we are completely separating or getting back together.
I pray to god that we make the right decision in the end for both of us.
lusting husband
pls help, iam married to a husband who has problems with lust, he says he struggles a lot with it, to a point sometimes responds physically. he is a God fearing man, however strugling to break free off this one. we have gone through a rough patch before in our marriage 2 yrs ago where, i leant my husband made a move at a distant relative we were staying with, subsequenlty leant has been lusting after her for a long time but i never picked it. following this we were prayed with and the Lord has begun to restore our marrige, however, we have agreed to be open to one another since then, my husband keeps telling me incidents when he feels attracted to other women either at work, church, or anywhere he meets them, his recent confession has been about one of my friends who is married. we went on an outing as couples and stated that the whole time we were out he has been trying to fight off lustfull feelings torwards my friend. iam at my witts end with this, can anyone help me out there, i am trusting the Lord to complete his work in my husband but iam failing sometimes to function as a wife shud be, i get angry too quickly and iam starting to pick up a lot of thinhgs wrong with my husband, is there any help out there???
my husband cheated numerous times and has now moved out on his o
my husband has cheated numerous times since we married but never wants to discuss it much after his confession. he cheated before as well but was always in denial and still is most times when he cheats. i love him still and don want divorce people think im stupid. he moved to his own place few months ago and has been living very loose life with women he still comes and says he wants to come home work on marriage then changes his mind in a few days he has most recently sed he is filing for divorce and has not been in contact for days i found naked women in his phone that pissed him off. just a day before he sed divorse he wanted to work thing out im confused what do i do. prayer doesnt seem to be working its getting worse the more i pray
It's all my fault
My wife and I met almost eight years ago. We had some tough times throughout our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend, due to my infidelity. I was never man enough to tell her what was going on, she always had to find out on her own, then she would leave me, I'd ask for forgiveness, and she'd come back. At one point, she was pregnant with our first child, she found out I was being unfaithful, and she ran me off. At that point I didn't want to be with her, but when we had a doctor's appt when she was 8 months pregnant, we went in for an ultrasound and found our baby to be dead. I blamed myself, but I manned up and never left her side. So we tried working things out, and a few years later she was pregnant again, and we were blessed with a beautiful daughter. Our daughter is now 10 months old, and here we are.....she's pregnant again. She recently went thru my phone and found some pictures a previous lover sent to me. She asked me about them, and I confessed I had been intimate with another man. She was so torn apart, I think she'd rather be dead. But she is 5 months pregnant, and wants a divorce. Today is the first day I'm "on my own" and it's killing me. I can't even begin to imagine the pain/hurt I have inflicted unto her. The last thing I want is a divorce, I don't wanna be the every other weekend father. I want to be part of my children's lives, and hopefully someday, rebuild this broken marriage. First, I'm having a really tough time even asking God for forgiveness, much less my wife. I think I may have made one mistake too many, and I'll never regain her trust nor my family back. I know I've really screwed this up, and am trying to remain close to God. I'm very ashamed, and seeing her in so much pain kills me. I don't know how I can continue to get up and go to work everyday. I miss my little girl more than anything, not being able to see her smiling face in the morning hurts so bad. But I know I've made some terrible decisions in my life, and I've done nothing but hurt the one who loved me the most. I'm thinking about going to talk to a priest today, and see if he can give me guidance. I'm praying for a miracle, that my wife may one day be able to forgive me, and hopefully accept me back into her life that we may have the opportunity to rebuild this marriage. I want my family back, but I'm trying to understand that pain is part of the healing process. Please keep us in your prayers, especially my wife, that God may help heal her pain, and her heart. Thank You.
I am sorry but this story,
I am sorry but this story, you can not make up. The last thing on your plate should be getting back with your wife. Actions have conseuqences. I pray for you sincereley. We all have our troubles in life. Getting right with God would be my first priority though. I do not think you can help help or your baby unless you help yourself first.
Healing a Broken Marriage: Love Never Fails
My marriage has been saved from the horrible pain that adultery brings. My husband broke my heart in 2001. He became a born-again man of God June 2, 2002. He thought he was a Christian before, but he was a counterfiet. He wanted the benefits of knowing God without turning from sin. It took him hitting rock bottom (and taking me to hell with him) before he realized that he was a sinner in need of a Savior.
My healing process was very difficult. It took TIME for me to heal. I had to lean upon the Word of God like never before. I did a lot of crying and a lot of screaming. But, I tried to focus most of my attention on crying and screaming out to God. It wasn't easy and many times I "did" lash out at my husband. The bitterness from an adulterous wound is like none other. Some women (or men) will go to their grave with that poison in their soul if they don't release it ALL to God and work through their pain.
I have written a book titled, Healing a Broken Marriage: Love Never Fails, that is availabe NOW on www.Amazon.com. It will be available for bookstores August 3, 2010. This book is a life-line to those in a troubled marriage. It shares my complete story AND a detailed teaching of how God saved our marriage. (Creation House Publisher)
Today, my husband and I are happily married. We minister together in prisons, churches, and around the world. God is good!!!
I have betrayed
I have betrayed my wife five years ago. I had an affair and we have been on a rollercoster ride ever since. I believe in God, but haven't lived in his will for a long time. I love my wife so much, but we can't get past the pain. I also find it very hard to forgive myself. As a result, it is keeping me from loving my wife. We are facing seperation, and I really dont know what to do or even how to pray. If I pray will the Lord hear me. I have know where els to turn. All I know is that I am losing my life and I need help. I want to see her happy, and full of joy. I am so afraid of failing her again. We have gone to counceling, read books, but still the rollercoster ride continues. I dont know what to do anymore.
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