I walked away from God in the 70s in my teen years and through myself into a life of sex, drugs, and alcohol. By the mid-1980s God had called me back and I began trying to learn how to follow Him. Groping in the dark and falling often might describe many of those years.
In the 1980s and 1990s I did a lot of travelling for business, which meant many nights alone in hotel rooms. Those porn on demand movies in the hotel rooms took me down many times. I didn’t have a clue as to what overcoming temptation was about.
In the hours before arriving at a hotel, usually late at night, I’d get nervous. My long record of failure followed me. Would I be able to make it through the night without giving in to temptation again? After checking in, as I walk to the room I’m praying, but in a weak and feeble way. I didn’t have much more than “God help me not to fall.”
As soon as I enter the room, waves of lust wash over me. I feel it in my spirit, my emotions. That anxious “prebinge” excitement starts to creep in. I know I shouldn’t look at the movie listings, but, minutes later, after another half-hearted prayer, I’m reading them, just, you know, to see what’s available. I turn on the TV and flip channels. It’s not long before I hit a program with sexual content. Now my flesh is on fire. I surf past the sex-program, but the lust pull hits hard and I quickly turn back to it. The binge has begun. I look for more explicit content. Masturbation follows.
I turn off the TV in disgust. I hate the shame, I hate the way I feel, and I hate that I gave in again. I turn off the lights, hoping I can sleep through the night and bury the shame in sleep.
2 hours later, I’m jolted with another intense lust pull. I barely resist for several seconds, then turn the TV back on and fall deeper into the hole with another binge of porn and masturbation. I feel sick to my stomach. Hypocrite. Loser. I’m sick with shame. I hate it. I think of my wife back home (we got married in 1989), who trusts me. The memory of being in church several days ago brings more shame. I want to cry. I shut off the TV, hoping I can sleep.
Around 3am, the pull hits again. I fall again. Utter misery. I can’t stand who I am, how I feel. It’s like being smeared in sewage. At this point sleep isn’t happening. I toss and turn until 5am. Now I have to function in a business environment all day while being dead tired and having to fake it while the silt of the shame hangover courses through my system.
I had many nights like that in those years. It’s a horrible way to live. The worst part is coming home and looking my loved ones in the eye. The shame hangover lingers for days, which makes the fleeting pleasure of looking at X-rated pictures while masturbating even more insane. Or stupid. Words like “failure,” “hypocrite,” “there’s no hope,” “you dare not tell anyone,” run through my mind. I can barely pray. “God, please forgive me! Will You forgive me? How can You after I’ve failed so often??”
Then there’s the sadness and embarrassment that comes from going to church and seeing all those smiling faces while I have to fake it. Surely, I thought often, I must be the only one who is in bondage to this insanity.
Today I have a clearer view of the battlefield. Every encounter with lust in those hotel rooms was an intense spiritual battle. Spiritual warfare wasn’t anywhere on my radar. I certainly wasn’t equipped on warfare at church. It didn’t take much of an attack from the enemy to set my flesh on fire. I didn’t know how to be alone or what to do with my feelings when they started to surface. Silence surfaces our heart and our emotions. I spent years running from my heart. We can’t fight with a damaged, suppressed, or hurting heart that’s shot up with lies.
As many modern Christians are, I was isolated. I was trying to do the Christian life on my own. I doubted as to whether God was with me and I didn’t believe I deserved anything God might give me, which is only half of the truth. (We deserve nothing, yet He offers us everything).
I loved entertainment and pleasure. I watched movies all the time, including plenty of R-rated movies. Oh sure, I might check the ratings to see if there was nudity or sexual content and avoid the movies that did, but just because there isn’t nudity described in the ratings doesn’t mean there isn’t content that provokes lust. Most movies have lust-sparking scenes regardless of the rating. A pleasure-lover is going to have a difficult time keeping his flesh in the grave and shutting the enemy down.
My prayer life was stunted, guilt-ridden, me-focused, often missing, and weak. What we believe in our heart drives our life. When we believe we’re barely a step above ant poop and are floundering in self-hatred and hopelessness, accepting the truth that God wants to help us and is there for us becomes difficult.
Today my approach is quite different. I am God’s son. He is with me. I have His Holy Spirit of power, love, and sound mind living in me. This is what God says in His word; every believer must step into His blessings. I know that hotel rooms can be battle zones. I know my sin and lust-loving flesh must be speared every day. I’m dead if I start thinking I can do the Christian life on my own or have it figured out. I ask others for prayer. I pray often and know that God hears my prayers. I am a warrior and a fighter. I don’t base my identity on my failures and sin. I’m not a loser or all the other lies the enemy used to throw at me in clusters. Broken man who has failed many times? Yes. Failure? No.
Before a trip I ask God to choose my hotel room and keep me away from next-door neighbors who might be having loud sex. I ask Him to cleanse the room I will stay in of anything that is not of Him and cover me with His protection. I pray the blood of Christ over the room. I’m quite comfortable in silence and know that silence and solitude with God is a source of strength.
In cities with a heavy concentration of occult activity or witchcraft I might have to dig in harder with prayer and warfare. Airbnbs are often the worst with this. One night in an Airbnb last year in England I had dreams with sexual perversion in them each of the two nights we stayed there.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13
Every one of you who are blood-bought believers have the weapons and tools to overcome temptation. It isn’t easy – some spiritual battles are intense and go for awhile – but God can give you the power and perseverance to push through to victory. You can’t do it alone as so many are trying to do and you must be a part of a tribe and have others praying for you. You must also understand that every believer is in a spiritual firefight and there will be times you must dig in. Prayer is your most powerful weapon; a consistent prayer life is critical. Right along side of prayer is God’s word. Unresolved heart wounds hobble the heart. It’s important to get healing for those areas and not avoid them.
Consistency is key. If you have no prayer life or are isolated you’ll be prone to floundering when the enemy assaults you.
Always, there is grace. If we fall, we release our sin to the cross, accept His forgiveness and cleansing, and keep moving.
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