Blazing Grace began in 2000 as a Christ-centered men’s support group in Colorado Springs. In the next 4 years I began writing articles on recovery from porn and sex addiction and planning my first book. Then in 2004 a family member who said she wants nothing to do with God and leans toward Buddhism, suggested that I put my writings up on a website. Although receiving a vision from above to create the Blazing Grace website might be the preferred catalyst, God uses unbelievers for His purposes just as he did a donkey in Balaam’s day.
In 2004 the internet was still a toddler (remember life before social media?), with many simple, text-based websites. I took a course on basic HTML and used Microsoft’s Front Page to create www.blazinggrace.org. The sight was basic, mostly text, with a few graphics to add a little color.
I had assumed that BG was going to be mainly a men’s ministry; most of the articles of that newborn edition of the site were geared towards men, with several for wives. Today it can take 3-6 months for a new site to rank on Google, but in 2004 there were very few sites with Christian content on the world wide web for porn and sex addiction. Immediately, I started receiving emails and requests for help.
More than half were from wives.
Not long after, I had recruited a group of 4-5 women to take the emails from the flow of requests from women who wanted help recovering from the trauma in their marriage from sexual sin. I prayed with our facilitators as a group via phone conference call for their needs and that of the ministry. When we launched the forums in 2005 we immediately had many women sign up as members. This was during the time when forums and message boards were much bigger than they are now.
In many churches it is rare to hear a straight-forward message from the pulpit on sexual sin that effectively equips people on how to break free. Hearing the wife’s trauma and what her healing journey looks like is even rarer.
In 2005 one wife shared that she walked in on her husband while he was having sex with a prostitute in their home. She had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Her story is one of the first articles added during those early years, and is still up. You can read it here.
Stories of a wife walking in on her husband while he is masturbating to porn are common. What is debilitating and shameful for him is traumatic and horrifying for her. Such scenes often mark the first time a wife discovers her husband’s bondage to porn.
Many men don’t get serious about getting help and changing until well into their marriage, anywhere from 10 to 50 years in. I know men who began the recovery process in their seventies. Often, they got hit with first exposure around the age of 8. They don’t tell their parents, keep it hidden from their fiancée who later becomes their wife, then go for years or decades until they get caught or confronted. Some men go to their wives before discovery, saving themselves and their spouse years of pain in the process… if they get serious about getting help.
Porn and sexual sin are not a men’s only issue; the collateral damage is like a cluster bomb packed with razor sharp metal shards that, when detonated, rips into their wives and children. Men on porn are prone to being absent, distracted fathers and angry, withdrawn, defensive husbands with a penchant for lying and hiding.
Around 8 years ago I received a phone call from a guy in a northern state. Men in 2 different churches in his city had just fallen to sexual sin. One was looking at jail time for possessing illegal pornography. The other was a Christian counselor. Both stories hit the news. (The outside world sees the flow of news stories of church leaders being exposed and arrested; they know we have problems in the sexual arena. All the church’s efforts at coverup are futile). His church was interested in holding one of our From Porn to Grace conferences; he wanted it for men only. I refused and told him I wouldn’t lead the conference unless women were allowed to come. After sharing what happens to the wife’s heart in a marriage with sexual sin, I suggested that he ask his wife what she thought and call me back. During the conference I discuss the recovery process for both sides in the hope that husband and wife will have compassion and understanding for what the other are going through.
A day later he called me back. He had talked with his wife and agreed to open up the conference to men and women.
If the wife doesn’t heal the marriage may still be lost, or, at best, the couple will barely exist, crippled with fear, shame, hurt, malfunctioning communication, and anger.
I have wives on our radio show as often as I can to give them a voice and help others see the devastating consequences of sexual sin in marriage. For more than 20 years, Blazing Grace has put an equal emphasis on both the husband’s and wife’s healing.
Ladies, you’re not alone, and you’re not forgotten.
Church leaders, remember the wives.
Don’t forget the youth – which is where the seeds of porn addiction and sexual sin are often planted.
This is not a men’s only issue.
Speaking of Men, Wives, and Youth
The Road to Grace Video Series is a 6-part series with the path to recovery and healing for men, wives, and youth. See https://www.blazinggrace.org/store/the-road-to-grace-video-series/ for more information or watch the trailer below. The RTG video series was filmed and produced near London in the UK, narrated by British singer and actress Deryn Edwards, and is great for individual, group, and church use.
BG Radio on 100.7FM in Colorado Springs
Beginning April 9, Blazing Grace Radio will be broadcast Thursdays at 4:00pm in Colorado Springs on KGFT 100.7FM. This is in addition to the broadcasts in Phoenix on 1360AM Faithtalk and KKVV in Las Vegas. See https://www.blazinggrace.org/podcast/ for more information.
Interested in sponsoring the show in your area? Please contact us.
The Other Side of That Prayer Quote
In last week’s newsletter on prayer and warfare I shared this quote by Jim Cymbala, senior pastor:
“Why aren’t there more prayer meetings in our churches? I’m convinced that the main reason is that pastors know the folks won’t come due to their lukewarm spiritual condition…”
The other side of the story is that when A nationwide survey asked pastors to identify their highest ministry priorities, the results showed that evangelism outreach (46%) and preaching (35%) were at the top. Prayer ranked last at 3%.
No wonder why the prayer meeting has been killed in so many churches and the lives of many believers.
I would put prayer at the top. Without a strong prayer life there’s a lot of flesh-work going on, regardless of how talented an orator the pastor is. (John the Baptist, who was as rough around the edges as they come, is one example of how skill or degrees isn’t the first requirement for ministry. Spurgeon also comes to mind). The lack of a strong prayer life and the emphasis on it will be one of the root answers as to why so many are falling away.
There is a lot of chatter about the need for a spiritual awakening. Students of history know that spiritual awakenings are sparked by fervent, ongoing prayer (See Jonah 3 and the story of the Hebrides Revival), not sermons, posts, or memes about prayer.