What would you say is the key to breaking the stronghold of porn in the church?
After spending most of the past 20 years in this ministry, I can say it is not groups, counseling, books, men, pastors, churches, conferences, nor is it me, Blazing Grace, or any other ministry. All of these are important pieces, but they are not the catalyst to healing.
The key to the porn epidemic… is the wives; those who are married to the men who are addicted to pornography.
Consider:
After the initial disclosure of porn or adultery, and sometimes, long before the husband decides to get help, it is the wife who keeps the marriage and family together, in spite of her pain.
It is the wife who is the first (and often, the only) one who asks her husband to get help. I have heard many men that it was not until their wife confronted them that they started to get serious about changing; they would have remained stuck otherwise.
Most men don’t get serious about breaking free until after they’re married. This isn’t to say that single men don’t suffer as much as married men, but the stakes are higher when a marriage and family are involved.
No one prays as often and with as much fervor for her husband as his wife does. Her prayers are the glue that holds the family together, and the hands that reach for healing from the throne room of God.
Wives are also the game changer for the church at large.
During a recent couples counseling appointment, it was the wife who grabbed one of my books and said she was going to take it to the leadership of their church. The husband still wasn’t thinking outside of his box. As Lust drives men into themselves, the wife’s pain compels them to seek change on a bigger scale. Inaction for an issue that causes so much trauma and wreckage is unacceptable.
Earlier this year I held a pastor’s training seminar on the West Coast. It was not a pastor who initiated the seminar – but a wife who went to leadership in their district and asked them to hold the seminar.
At this year’s From Porn to Grace conference in Missouri – it was a wife who went to her church and asked them to have us out.
Last month when I was in the UK, it was a wife who offered to pay for our booth if we came back to the next show in March of 2020.
When I first put up the Blazing Grace website in 2004, to my surprise, most of the emails we received were from wives. It was a group of wives who volunteered to start a prayer group for other women and the ministry.
In spite of all this, most wives are neglected or ignored when churches consider a ministry to those who need healing from porn and adultery. The churches who make an effort might do a men’s conference where a small percentage of the men in the church come, then think “we’re done!” The problem with this mentality is that all men and women in every flock need to hear a message of hope and freedom in this arena that includes the specific action steps they need to take. (Saying “porn is sin, don’t do it” doesn’t help anyone.)
So ladies, I want to address you.
YOU are the key to the porn epidemic. YOU are the Jaels of Judges 4 who need to start pounding stakes into Porn-Sisera’s head. (Read Judges 4 – this was a time when the men were checked out, a lady named Deborah ruled Israel, and Jael took out the general of Syria.) We need you to rise up and make your voice heard. You have paid the ultimate price in pain, abuse and neglect. Don’t let that be wasted.
Ladies, it is when you rise up that men such as myself, who are called to speak or lead, can do our part in speaking at churches, conferences, or other venues. This battle must be fought with all of us together, men and women, not just the men. The men have a long road to recovery; it can take time before they start thinking of others, or gather up the courage to talk openly about their struggles to others. We need you ladies, now, to speak up.
Maybe you’re saying “Okay, so what do we do?” Here are some ideas to consider and pray about:
- Start with asking God what He wants you to do. As Isaiah did in Isaiah 6, all it takes is the willingness to go before Him and say “here I am, send me.”
- You might minister to one other woman who is hurting in the same way you have been.
- The Lord can bring you that person. Don’t get caught up in the “I don’t have anything to offer” lie. All you need is your story, a listening ear, (don’t start throwing out advice at the first meeting, focus on listening) and the ability to pray.
- You could start a wives group, We can help you with that and provide training and support.
- Go to your church and ask them to consider holding a Blazing Grace conference. We can team up with you to make it happen. Or you could organize a speaking tour or conference outside of your church. Not all churches are open to holding a conference, so it may be that we set up an event at a neutral venue.
- As God leads, share your story, either one-on-one or to a group. He will provide the place and timing, and provide the words, all you need is the willingness to show up.
- Become an intercessor. There is a massive spiritual battle surrounding this issue and Satan is winning way too many battles. Pray for marriages, churches, pastors, and ministries like Blazing Grace that are in the fight. Prayer is a game changer; we need more people who are willing to “stand in the gap” (Ezekiel 22:30) with “the effectual prayer that avails much” (James 5:16).
- Tell others about Blazing Grace. Sometimes just giving another person a website link or a copy of one of the books can make a difference. My 17 year old daughter, Bekah, made a connected with another ministry leader while waiting in line for coffee last month. She was wearing a Blazing Grace t-shirt and he asked her what she was doing at the show, which led to a conversation that was a door opener. All you have to do is be willing, and God will open the doors.
These are just a few ideas for all of you to consider; men and women. I’m not trying to say men don’t have a role to play, we do; we need women to rise up so more men can do their part.
The church has too many spectator Christians, and not enough warriors.
Join us on the battle field.