Years ago, my wife Michelle wrote a letter to me describing how my sexual sin had affected her. This letter is shown in my book The Wife’s Heart, Healing from Your Husband’s Porn and Adultery; we’ve received quite a bit of feedback that Michelle’s letter has touched hearts, sometimes to the point of tears.
In the video, Michelle reads her letter to me, off camera (she didn’t want to be shown in the video, which is okay) and I expand on it. Shooting this video was emotional for Michelle, me and our staff that recorded it. Even though I committed adultery on her in 1991, the pain of having hurt my bride so deeply can still surface, even after all these years.
This is her letter, written in the early 2000’s:
You asked me to write a letter about how your addiction affected me. At the time, things were a bit hazy, and I was young and didn’t know what to think of everything.
It really flared up my insecurities. I measured myself to other women “in your eyes.” I was always trying to see what you’d find more attractive in others—where my flaws were. In the beginning of our marriage, it was the worst. My insecurities plus your addiction equaled disaster.
I watched porn movies a few times out of curiosity to see where I was lacking in bed. In a way, it was self-torture. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t measure up. What was it that you were looking at or drawn to that I couldn’t fill I was constantly looking at women (probably more than you) to see if you’d notice her smaller waist, her bigger chest, her whatever.
I’ve gotten better about not letting it be “my fault.” If you ever decide to go down that road again and self-destruct, it isn’t going to be my fault. It’ll affect me, yes, but not like twelve years ago.
Your sex addiction ruined the little bit of self-esteem I had back then, and there wasn’t much of it to begin with. It put me on guard for everything—I was afraid that if I wasn’t “perfect” (whatever that is), you’d leave or stray. I made you my everything, which was wrong, and when you cheated on me with a prostitute in 1991, it devastated me.
Today, I still struggle with insecurity. I’m paranoid about any pictures that might be in something we might get in the mail, or even a magazine I might want to read. It’s not that I think you’re going to go back to where you were, but that you’ll see in that picture what you don’t have in me.